...Must calm down. Damn, this acupuncture treatment.

How To Pickup Topless Dancers
December 10, 2001

You may have seen an advertisement for a book that purports to reveal the secrets to getting laid with topless dancers. Let me first say that I have not read this book. I don't know the person or people that wrote this book and I have nothing against them and I figure they're just trying to make a buck, and there's nothing wrong with that. But... (you saw that "but" coming, didn't you?), I think I can save you the big money by giving you the secrets for free. What follows are the "secrets" the book covers, and my answers for free, shown in italics.

1. How to get "free" table dances and how to get her to show you her "bush."
   Well, you can get free table dances by telling the dancer you forgot to bring your money. You can get her to show you her bush by telling her you'll show her yours.
2. Where to sit in a topless club where the dancers will be begging to be with you. This secret place is guaranteed to have all the girls approaching you one after another.
   Sit right next to the women's bathroom and block them from the bathroom with your legs. Tell then they have to sit with you when they come out of the bathroom.
3. How to ask topless dancers for a date.
   Dancers get asked all night for dates. Don't even try asking for a date. Try another tactic like asking them if they want to have breakfast.
4. Why "Amateur Night" is your best chance to score with these dancers. Learn how you can take advantage of these "rookie topless dancers."
   Yeah, sure. Like they're really amateurs. Rookie my ass.
5. How to talk to topless dancers and opening lines that really capture her attention and make her desire you.
   "Hi. I just landed a big recording contract with a big record label. I also have a big dick."
6. How to score with hot & sexy topless dancers at closing time.
   Closing time is not the right time for anything. Most are tired and just want to get the hell out of the club.
7. How to successfully give out your phone number to dancers. This method works like crazy.
   Yeah, like dancers can keep phone numbers at all. I see guys putting their numbers on money, business cards, even pictures and they all get thrown away.
8. How to tell if a dancer is "hot" for you and craves to be with you.
   She gives you free lap dances and asks if you want to have sex later.
9. The best days of the week for you to pick up topless dancers and which two nights to avoid.
   Sunday and Monday are best. Avoid Friday and Saturday.
10. Why it's much easier to take advantage of the young and inexperienced topless dancer.
    This is like saying, "Why it's easier to take advantage of mentally retarded people, especially minors."
11. How to successfully flirt with topless dancers.
    Don't talk about her body. Talk about her eyes, but be sure you know the color.
12. What to do while getting a table dance to get a dancer interested in you sexually.
    Whip out your 8 incher.
13. What to do and what to say when a dancer sits at your table.
    First, stop playing with yourself. Then wipe your hands and introduce yourself.
14. How to use your waitress to meet and attract topless dancers.
    Well, you can tip the waitress for inside information, but often, she'll give you bogus information and hook you up with her biggest tipping dancer.
15. Guaranteed methods on how to lure topless dancers away from the club.
    This sounds a little stalker-like to me. Isn't this what child molesters do at play grounds?
16. How to be the "life of the party" and have the dancers crawling at your feet, offering you free table dances and fringe benefits.
    Free drinks for the house?
17. How to dress when going to topless clubs that makes you irresistible to the dancers.
    Wear a T-Shirt that says, "I am a PL. Use me like an ATM."
18. How to pick up topless dancers in the parking lot at closing time.
    Oh, no. Please don't do this. Some clubs will even fire dancers talking to customers in the parking lot. It's okay if you already know the dancer but otherwise, forget it.
19. How to use your camera to pick up and photograph totally nude dancers.
    I thought this book was for topless dancers. Sure, dancers have never heard of this great trick before. "Yeah, I'm a professional photographer for Playboy. Can I take nude pictures of you?"
20. How to score with touring feature dancers and porno stars.
    Don't even go there. They usually travel with their husband/roadies.
21. When to say "no" to a table dance. These very helpful tips will save you a lot of wasted time and money.
    You want to save money? Don't go to strip clubs.
22. What to do if a dancer gives you a phony telephone number.
    Ask her if she's dyslexic.
23. Where to get discount coupons for free admission (this alone can save you from $5-$20).
    Is this supposed to be hard to do? How about just look in the newspaper.
24. Which topless dancers to completely avoid...you will get absolutely nowhere with these girls.
    The ones that just want your money, maybe? Or the ones that are married with 4 kids and don't cheat on their husbands?
25. What to say to turn down a table dance.
    "No! Not even if you were the last dancer on this planet!"
26. Secrets to save you money on your bar tab and avoid getting ripped off!
    Bring your own accountant with you to the club.
27. How to turn down a table dance that makes her yearn to be with you.
    BWAHAHAHA!
28. Learn what to say to avoid the "one drink minimum rule" at some topless clubs.
    "I already had too many drinks and having more would be over serving a customer, which is illegal and could cause the club to lose it's liquor license. Since I work for the ABC, I am required by law to warn you regarding this issue."

The ad ends with the paragraph below:

"If you order within the next 30 days, I'll send you my free report, 'How to Make Love to Topless Dancers.' Drive topless dancers with irresistible new techniques for better foreplay and intercourse. She will literally beg to have you inside her!"

Well, okay. Sounds great to me. Sign me up!

Pictures Are Worth a Few Laughs
December 10, 2001