...Must calm down. Damn, this acupuncture treatment.

The 1997 Fritz Awards
November 21, 1997

OC Rob sent me this list of dubious awards:
Every year Fritz sponsors a year end party and they hand out awards, Best Dancer etc etc., as I hear it from the dancers. Well, that's not all the awards they hand out!!!

I have listed below some of the "better" IMO categories from the 1997 Ballot. Now bare in mind according to Fritz, That's Too management, they list over 300 girls on their active dancer roster--so that potentially could translate into a lot of ballots. Here are some of the ones that caught my eye:

• Dancer Most Likely to get Fired.
• Most Likely to Appear in Playboy Magazine.
• Most Likely to Appear in Hustler Magazine.
• Best Legs
• Best Butt (female)
• Butch's Pet Dancer (management)
• Sammy's Pet dancer (DJ)
• Sloppiest Dancer in the Dressing Room (Pig Pen Award)
• Best Tattoos.
• Best Piercings.
• Best Dancer When the Power Quits.
• Dancer Who Looks Totally Different When She's Working (Dr Jekyll and Hyde Award)
• Best Surgical Enhancements (Demi Moore Award)
• Best Hustler on the Floor (Pete Rose Award)
• Dancer Who is Always Broke $$ (We Are The World Award)
• Dancer Who Looks Like She's Still in School (Miss Jail Bait 1997)
• Best Floor Work (You Oughtta Be In Pictures XXX Award)
• Best Chi-Chi's.
• Biggest Chi-Chi's.
• Best Stage Name.
• Worst Stage Name.
• The One Woman That Everyone Wants to Have Sex With (Fritz Goddess Award)

Least Popular Stripper Names
May 28, 1997

As presented on the 05/28/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Ginger Vitis
9. Stripper Gore
8. Mrs. Charlie Sheen
7. Stanley Cups
6. Lois the Letterman Look-a-like
5. H. Rose Perot
4. Sue Dafed
3. Yogi Bare-Ass
2. Nude Gingrich
1. Tammy Lasorda

Customer Damage
April 4, 1997

Stripper Damage is getting too much attention. What about Customer Damage? Isn't Customer Damage more serious and dangerous than Stripper Damage? Customer Damage is certainly more troubling than any other profession that I can think of. As customers, we have the choice of going or not going to a strip club. We don't have to go, but we do. Why? Are we already damaged to begin with? Is that why we go? Maybe customers that have been beaten or abused as children go. Perhaps, bottle fed instead of breast fed. Much to think about. In the mean time, watch out for these symptoms.

Top 10 Symptoms of Customer Damage

1. You cancel a date with a non-dancer when your ATF (all time fave) dancer calls to tell you that she is working and she needs money.
2. DJ at your fave club knows you by name and you loan him more money even though he still owes you money.
3. A dancer you haven't seen in months calls you at work to tell you she needs money to bail out her new boyfriend. You ask how much the bail is and if you can use your credit card.
4. Sitting in the club feels more comfortable than being at home.
5. When a new secretary starts to work in your office and brings you coffee, you start to reach for a dollar to put into her g-string.
6. When your ATF asks for a car, you tell her that she screwed up your credit last time by not making the payments, so this time, you'll just buy it for her outright.
7. You are out on a date with a non-dancer and she jokingly says, "How about if I jump up on this table and dance!?" and you just start reaching for singles without a word.
8. When a song ends on your CD at home, you expect a DJ to say something about tipping.
9. When shopping for clothes, you always worry if the color is dark enough to hide lipstick and thin enough for laps.
10. You ask the waitress at the restaurant if you get "more" for a $20 tip.

You've Been a Dancer Too Long When...
February 25, 1997

1. You have to set your alarm clock to wake up in time to go to the bank.
2. You want to go to the g-string store on your date.
3. You see someone sitting with their legs apart and you feel the urge to lap dance.
4. You see somebody reaching into their pocket at the mall and you automatically pull out the side of your g-string.
5. The waitress comes over to the table at a restaurant and you expect her to ask your date: "Would you like to buy the lady a drink?"
6. You use your stage name by mistake when you talk to your kids teacher.
7. You have more g-strings than regular underwear.
8. You can't watch "Strip Tease" without shouting "No WAY!"
9. You can repair high heals with nothing but nail polish.
10. Your date plays "Pussy Control" and you ask him if this is the second song of your set.

Take note that these can also apply to customers who hang out at strip clubs too much.

Deja Vu House Rules
January 22, 1997

Somebody at Deja Vu NH gave me a copy of their house rules. You can get an idea of what the management there is like from it. The entire list is pretty long so here are some excerpts (my smart-a** comments in brackets and italics):

Rule #1:
All showgirls must memorize and be prepared to recite the following (word for word): "Sir: That is considered solicitation for prostitution and it's conceivable that you could be arrested! In any event, I'm compelled to inform the management!" [Next time I get a nasty lap, I'm going to recite: "Maam: That is considered lewd conduct and it's conceivable that you could be arrested. In any event, if you don't continue and be nastier, I will inform the management."]

Rule #8:
Songs are 3 minutes. [I thought so.]

Rule #11
Couch dance: Feet remain on couch [Huh?], no knees on couch [Do they mean crotch here?]. You may not expose pubic area. Your contract will be terminated if you flash the patron. [Sure, and the check is in the mail.]

Rule #16
Do not sit with a customer for more than one song without a ladies drink or a dance. You will be charged for a couch dance. [I don't need to say any smart ass remark about this.]

Rule #19
No cussing or yelling at the customers. If there is a problem, notify the management and they will take care of it. [OK, that sounds reasonable.]

Rule #24
No chewing gum on stage or while at the club. [No gum at all?! I guess they follow this rule like they follow rule #11.]

Rule #25
No talking on stage. [But it's so sexy when she talks on stage.]

Rule #33
When you are ill, go to the doctor. [Thanx for the expert advice] When you are sick, come to work. [How about if you're dead?] Your fees go on for the contracted time. [These soft hearted business guys. They are too kind to their dancers. Then...]

Rule #39
Medicine cabinet costs $.50 to use. [How about charging to use the bathroom?]

Rule #40
If there is a ladies drink next to a customer, do not hustle. He is taken. [Alright! They use the word hustle too! Just like me. Hey, this rule sheet looks like my FAQ! Just kidding. I wonder if the waitress would let me buy a ladies drink without a lady. Then I could just sit by myself without dancers bugging the hell out of me. This sounds like it would be worth the $5 for the drink.]

Rule #57
No cussing. This may terminate contract. [We already know she can't "cuss" to the customers or talk on stage. I guess they REALLY don't want you to cuss. Is the word "cuss" used often in employee handbooks?]

Rule #60
Keep dances clean. You know the difference. You showgirl, not a sleeze bag. [I'm not making this up. "You showgirl. Me Tarzan. You dance. Me smile. You sleeze bag. Me cum." Why do I get the feeling this was not written by an attorney?]

Too much! I haven't had this much fun since I read the LAPD rule book.