...Must calm down. Damn, this acupuncture treatment.

Dance Move Names
December 20, 1996

Why is it that Olympic gymnastic moves have special names for them but there are none for stripping moves?

When I review features, dancers often do moves that take a paragraph to describe which could be done in a couple of words if the move had a name for it. I've asked some dancers and none of them have any names for their moves. Perhaps Serenity or Summer Leigh might have some names.

Here are some of my fave moves and their suggested names:

STANDING:
Many of the better standing moves are "real" dancing moves and might have names associated with them and don't need to have special strip dancing names.

"Hand Stand Split"
One move that Summer Leigh does is to go to a hand stand (often at the pole), walk on her hands, split her legs open, rotate her body (using her hands on the floor), then come down to the floor with a split in one swift move."

FLOOR WORK:
Most floor work is either too mechanical or just air-f*cking. But some special moves come to mind...

"Butt Walk"
Serenity and Summer Leigh both do the walk with the butt moves. They sit on the floor with their legs in the air and move their butt muscles to "walk" on the floor without using their hands or legs.

"Vibrating Pole - Puppy Style"
Another fave move for me (because I like butts) is one that involves the pole but done on the floor. The dancer is face down flat on the floor with the pole between her legs. Then she does a "wave" with her body ending with her butt "vibrating" on/near the pole. Then her butt moves up and down on the pole, usually ending with a hands and knees position followed by grabbing the pole with her hands and sliding back up to a standing position.

"Foot Spin"
This is really not a "dance" move but is more like a trick that some dancers use. While doing floor work (face down OR up), they will rotate one or both of their foot (feet) and cause their upper thigh area to flex, making for a more interesting floor work. Try this at home, it's fun and safe.

POLE WORK:
This is where even professional dancers may not be able to emulate a strip club dancer. Pole work is not something that can be learned easily (I've tried). It takes upper body strength and leg muscles as well as a lot of practice to become comfortable. I know more than a few dancers who have fell and hurt different parts of their bodies.

"Pole Worm"
One of the most impressive pole work I have seen was in Vegas where a dancer climbed all the way to the top, grabbed the pole with her arms and stretched out her legs away from the pole, then pulled her legs above her body to the pole. At this point, she is upside down on the pole. Next she took her top off while holding onto the pole with only her legs. Now comes the best part. She grabs the pole with her arm/hands and "worms" and "waves" down the pole. At the bottom, she does a hand stand and bends over backwards to her feet. Don't try this at home.

"Pole Drop Split"
This move is more popular and common but still very impressive. The dancer climbs all the way to the top, then seemingly does a free fall to the floor, ending with a split (legs) at the bottom. I assume they stop their fall right in time to keep from hurting their legs.

"Twin Spin"
In S. Carolina, I saw 2 dancers get on the pole together and spin in the same direction on top of each other and touching. This can only be done on the Deja Vu-type spinning poles.

What's So Good About Being A Regular?
September 8, 1996

The pros and cons for being "in" with the house are:

Pros:

1. You get to come in for free and not pay for drinks.
2. Dancers stop bugging you for tips.
3. Sit in on a private audition of new dancers.
4. Dancers ask for advise and give you their numbers without you asking.
5. Go to private afterhour parties with them.

Cons:

1. Dancers want to borrow money. Even bouncers and DJ's will ask. When the owner asks you, you're in deep ka ka.
2. Dancers ask you to go buy food for them because you can go in and out without paying.
3. When they're short handed, you might have to clean the glasses.
4. You can't tip dancers openly because of DP.
5. 187

Flake-O-Rama
August 8, 1996

Many people ask me why I consider dancers to be so flaky. I know that not all dancers are flaky. Just the ones that associate with me. Here are some examples of what I'm used to:

Example #1:
My dancer friend calls me and tells me to pick her up at the airport in the morning. I specifically tell her to page me if she does not take the flight. I take time off from work and go to the airport only to find out she told me the wrong one. I go to the correct one and I'm late. But she's not there. Later, I find out she decided not to even fly and didn't bother to page me.

Example #2:
Another dancer friend wanted to stop dancing. She asked me to find her a job in the fashion industry. I pleaded with a business associate to ask his friend for a job for my friend. Everybody came thru for me. She started working there and everything was OK for about 3 days. Then... I'm sure you can guess the rest.

Example #3:
A dancer friend of mine was moving and needed to rent a U-Haul truck. She didn't have a credit card so she asked me to put it on mine and she'd pay me cash. I got my friends to help load up her truck and I told her to call me as soon as she got to her destination because the truck had to be returned by the next day. Guess what? She didn't call me for 4 days! When she finally called, she said she was tired and just left the truck without returning it. Needless to say, I never got my money. I was happy she returned the truck at all!

Any questions?

Top 10 Ways for DP to Start at your Fave Strip Club
June 17, 1996

10. "Hey, that b*tch is playing my CD!"
9. "Hey, that b*tch is playing my theme song!"
8. "Hey, that b*tch is wearing my costume!"
7. "Hey, that b*tch is wearing my perfume!"
6. "Hey, that b*tch is talking to my customer!"
5. "Hey, that b*tch is dancing for my customer!"
4. "Hey, that b*tch went out with my customer!"
3. "Hey, that b*tch went shopping with my customer!"
2. "Hey, that b*tch is f*cking my customer!"
1. "Hey, that b*tch is f*cking my boyfriend!"

California State Senate Bill AB2579
June 10, 1996

"What the hell is AB2579?", you ask. It's a State Assembly Bill that was introduced by R-67th Assemblyman Scott Baugh of Huntington Beach. Click here for his bio and read on for more on him.

In a nutshell, AB2579 removes the exemption that theaters (i.e. strip clubs) had from local ordinances to control these places (e.g. distances of the performers, hours of operation). This would allow each city to determine how strip clubs would be permitted to operate. Topless clubs are already under the ABC laws and this would make nude clubs just as restricted. In the extreme, cities could basically outlaw strip clubs. To read the real text of the bill, click here.

Assemblyman Scott Baugh

It's always interesting to see who's for something like this:
League of California Cities; National Law Center for Children and Families; H.O.P.E.; Riverside County District Attorney Grover Trask; Committee on Moral Concerns; City of Twentynine Palms; City of Lakewood; City of Tustin; City of San Luis Obispo; City of Modesto; City of Burlingame; City of El Cajon; City of Sunnyvale; City of Corona; 98 form letters from individuals; 12 personal letters from individuals.

And who's opposing it? This list is even more interesting:
California Confederation for the Arts; Association of Talent Agents; ACLU; California Attorneys for Criminal Justice; John Weston, Esq., on behalf of 37 listed "adult cabaret" businesses in Southern California; California Hardbodies; Chippendale's; Bob Talmage Associates; Deja Vu, Inc.; Grapevine Entertainment, Inc.; New Wave, Inc.; Little Darlings; Bob's Classy Lady; Spectator Magazine; Star Strip, Too; Ten's; Sandarella's; ABM Worldwide; Cocktails and Lace Gentleman's Club; Century Lounge Cabaret; TJ's Theater; Mr. J's Restaurant; The Classy Lady; Sam's Hof Brau; The Jet Strip; Bare Elegance; Valley Ball Cabaret; Candid Club; Kit Kat Club; Nicola's; DJP Corporation; Star Strip; Seventh Veil; Fantasy Island.

It has already passed the Assembly by a large margin and has been voted on by the state Senate and will be passed on to the Committee on Criminal Procedure. For the record: AYES: Haynes and Leslie. NOES: Lockyer and Petris. ABSENT, ABSTAINING, OR NOT VOTING: O'Connell, Sher, Solis, Wright, and Calderon. More not voting than voting. What are we paying these guys for. To be humping their secretaries in their office?

Personally, I don't have a problem with most of this bill even though some cities would close down strip clubs. It's all part of what people want in their area. The part of the bill that I have a BIG problem with is the anti-gratuity provisions which encourages the cities to adopt. This portion would make it illegal for dancers to directly accept tips from customers. Thus ending strip clubs as we know it. "Yes, please do a lap for me for free." Now read the analysis of this anti-gratuity section:

The proponents cite a Ninth Circuit case which has upheld a ban on such direct gratuities (Kev, Inc. v. Kitsap County (9th Cir. 1986) 793 F.2d 1053). In this case, the court upheld an ordinance which required a ten foot separation between dancers and patrons, and which prohibited direct gratuities. The court noted the testimony in trial court of the Kings Countyos supervisor of vice control that close contact between dancers and patrons facilitates prostitution. The court found that preventing the exchange of money between dancers and patrons would . . . appear to reduce the likelihood of drug and sex transactions occurring on regulated premises.

So it looks like giving tips causes drug and sex "transactions". Next time I'm in a restaurant, I'm going to ask the waitress about that deal. Giving anybody money can cause strange things to happen. Which brings us back to Assemblyman Baugh.

Mr. M. Collins e-mailed this to me:

You may be interested in sharing with the group that this pillar of morality is presently under indictment himself, and three of his alleged flunkies in election fraud (including three felony counts) have already copped pleas. In addition, today's LA Times (6/19, pg B-10) reports he is now being investigated for being an accomplice in credit card fraud with one of the guys who illegally contributed to his campaign (he's already admitted in the press to accepting $8,800 in cash from this developer, which is only $8,701 more than he's legally allowed). Gotta love those upstanding moral Republicans!

How nice. Pity what money can do to some people. Maybe there should be an anti-gratuity bill for politicians. Nah. I guess that would never pass... unless somebody paid them to pass it.

If you want to be alerted to what is going on in the Senate with AB2579, send e-mail to: Senate-News@sen.ca.gov
In the e-mail, enter the text: SUBSCRIBE BILL AB_2579

Z Bone's ComiX Strip
June 3, 1996

I found this in the March (1996?) issue of Hustler Magazine. I've felt like this on a few occasions. Then I quickly snap out of it and pay for another one.

Z Bone's 1996 New Year's Resolutions
May 5, 1996

This was originally posted to ASSC on December 27, 1995, but I have resurrected it because of a request from a poster on ASSC. He needs our help. I've added a few things to spice it up. It's more like a notice to my dancer friends as well as my resolutions.

I made my new list for 1996. It's the same one as last year but this year I'm going to stick to it.

1. Cut down on going to strip clubs. Down to no more than 2 per day maximum... Ahhmm... and no more than 2 at night.
   
2. Z Bone's Bank is now closed. Stop making big loans to dancers who don't have a job. New rule: Maximum loan of $100 with pink slip.
   
3. Stop paying for boob jobs unless I own them after the operation. "Yeah, I need to borrow them tonight, OK?"
   
4. Z Bone's Stripper Motel (tm) is now closed. This includes guests with frequent flyer miles. No exceptions. "Oh, you always sleep in the nude?" Hmmm.
   
5. Z Bone's Storage Shack is now closed. This includes Z Bone's Safety Deposit Box service. Whatever has been left there is now mine.
   
6. Z Bone's snack bar is now closed. Dancers may only visit Z Bone's Restaurant if you know how to cook and you bring your own groceries.
   
7. Z Bone's mail delivery service is now closed. This applies even if you bring your own stamps.
   
8. Z Bone's taxi service is now closed. This applies even if you have your own car.
   
9. Z Bone's homework service is now closed. This applies even if you pay by the hour.
   
10. Z Bone's baby sitting service is now closed. If you left your child here, it's now mine.

That should free up about 98% of my time. Now, what am I going to do? I guess I could go to a strip club.

Sick and Tired of DP
December 3, 1995

DP stands for Dancer Politics. What is it? Does the following sound familiar to you at all?

I'm minding my own business, tipping a dancer like I normally do. If I like a dancer, I will tip her big and that "pays" for the time that she spends talking to me for a while. I felt generous, so I put a $20 bill right on the stage. Mistake #1.

Do not place large bills on stage where any dancer can see it. This invites other #2 type dancers to seek and destroy you. Not detecting the daggers coming out of other dancers' eyes, I happily keep tipping my dancer. When she's finished, she goes backstage. The trouble starts.

While my dancer is backstage, another dancer comes over and wants to do laps for me. I politely decline but she won't take no for an answer. After a while, I decide to get one just for laughs. Mistake #2.

There is some sort of unspoken rule that if you are a dancer's "tipper", she somehow owns you. Therefore, you are not allowed to get any dances from anybody else. Story continues.

Now my dancer comes out and sees me dancing with another dancer. Unbeknownst to me, while I enjoy my lap, she is watching and stalking me. Now, I finish my single lap and return to my original area. My dancer is not very happy with me. I try to explain but I realize that there is another zone of reality that I am not aware of. She huffs and puffs and goes away. I'm an easy going guy. I don't let much worry me. Mistake #3.

Now both dancers are in the dressing room. As I would find out later, my dancer confronts the second dancer, upon which the second dancer tells my dancer that I was the one that "narc-ed" on her brother and got him in trouble. Now, I have to interject here that I have no knowledge of any of her family members, let alone narc-ing on anyone.

Now my dancer runs (yes, runs) out of the dressing room to tell me off. At this point, I am under the impression that she is under the influence, so I basically ignore her. Mistake #4.

She becomes so mad at me that she tells the manager to 86 me out of the club. For you tech weanies (like myself), 86 is not an Intel part. It is the process in which you are removed from an establishment and moreover not allowed to return for the rest of your biological life.

Thus is my little DP story. This happened to me many years ago. What did I learn from this, if anything? Plenty.

I now practice safer customer. Notice I use the word "safer" and not "safe." I use the following DP avoidance rules that match the above mistakes:

DP Rule #1:

Do not display the amount of tipping you are doing if you are a regular or somebody's "tipper". If you are new to a club, it doesn't matter what you do. I fold my money so that other dancers cannot easily see what I am tipping. This does not always work. I tipped this way at Industrial Strip when a dancer went backstage and showed off my tip to another dancer who happened to know me. She came out and told me that the dancer was showing off the tip "like a billboard." Those were her exact words.

DP Rule #2:

If you are a regular or somebody's tipper, never get a dance from another dancer without first asking your dancer. I know this sounds wimpy and p****-whipped but if you follow this rule, you will avoid all kinds of DP problems. This turns the table onto the dancer and makes her the "bad" gal if she is so insecure that she won't let you get dances. Usually, the reply is, "Oh, I'm not like that. You can get dances from anybody." Yeah right.

DP Rule #3:

If you do make a mistake or are caught doing something you shouldn't, you must make attempts to recover immediately or never come back to the club. One time, I was at a club during the day when my dancer was not there. I was happily getting my laps when who should walk in to the club unexpectedly. Yup. I never fully recovered from that but you have to try. Generally speaking, people want to believe what they want to believe. If they like you, they will give you the benefit of the doubt, if you help them out a little.

DP Rule #4:

If the situation gets totally out of control, you might have to abort quickly. The customer is never in a good position because unless you are "in" with the owner or management, the dancer's word is better than yours. If you are trying to recover from a lost cause, press the eject button and at least survive with your life.

What is worse than DP? Club owner politics. I've been accused of spying for other owners. I've been accused of stealing dancers. If I did half of the things I've been accused of, I would be rich!

What does this all mean? Probably nothing. Or maybe something. It depends. If it rings true to you, it means something. Otherwise, it means nothing. Would be glad to get e-mail about this subject.

Right about now, you are saying, "What the hell is this guy talking about? Is he off his medication again?" The answer is, I'm ranting and raving. Just like advertised.

Bad Service Virus
November 21, 1995

You can get bad service at a fast food restaurant or strip club. Bad service is everywhere and the only way to try to stamp it out is by letting them know we don't like it.

Recently, I've been noticing that strip club service seems to be on the way down. This is probably because money is tight and employees are on edge and stressed. This might be a good time for me to vent out my old horror stories at strip clubs.

Change My Butt

About 5 years go, my friend and I was at Fritz and my friend asked the waitress to break a hundred. Unfortunately, I was not paying attention to this transaction but the waitress disappeared and never came back. We went to the manager and it seemed that the waitress had just left (very convenient for her). There was some arguing but the end result was he didn't even get a drink on the house.

I can understand that the manager isn't able to just take his word for it and hand him a $100 bill. But why get into a big argument with a customer? It would have been much better to just buy him a drink and tell him he would fire the waitress. Instead, they lost a good customer for good. I still go back now and then, but I always go to the bar myself to get change.

Hold On To It

Few months ago, on one of my early trips to Rhino, I was getting a nice lap from a very friendly dancer. It was too nice and I had to tell her to take it easy. I leaned forward and whispered her this message. The bouncer grabbed my shoulder and told me not to lean and let the dancer do the work.

Understanding that there are a lot of strange customers that the bouncers have to look out for, there are always at least 2 ways to tell somebody something. In this particular case, my action was so mild, he could have just waited to see if the dancer would say anything or tell me at the end of the song. Even if he thought he didn't want to wait, he could have told me in a nice way. The dancer defended me but I was already in a bad mood. I didn't want to punish the dancer so I got drinks for her after the dance but didn't get any more dances. I've had similar problems at Deja Vu, Exotica and Start Strip Too. But specifically, I've not had this problem at Tropical Lei, Sahara and TJ's. Does this mean better managers? Hard to say. Maybe just luck.

Since that time, I've returned there many times without any problems. As you may have noticed, it is my favorite club for November.

Club Hell

About 8 years ago at the Seventh Veil, this club epitomized my definition of the club from hell. There would be a line to enter. Upon getting to the front of the line, a bouncer harassed me while he checked my ID. I paid him. He goes somewhere to bring my change but short changes me. Then I enter and the waitress takes me to a seat I don't want to sit at and says, "Coke OK?" and goes away. She brings back 2 cokes and when I pay her, she has helped herself to a nice $2 tip on the change.

Next, a dancer comes on stage and quickly starts to become irritated that few are tipping. She starts to kick the stage rail and eventually grabs a dollar and holding it up, says, "See these?! This is what I want!" Sure. If I was going to tip, I'm certainly not going to now.

I watch a few dancers and things seem to be OK now except that there are long dead periods between songs. Being bored, I start to daydream about better clubs. The next thing I know, a customer has apparently touched one of the dancers on stage and she screams at him and grabs his drink and smashes it on his head! With that, I decide to leave before I have to give a police report.

Ahh. Those were the good old days. It's not so bad now, but alas, it doesn't have that same seedy feeling anymore.

Customer Types
November 7, 1995

The following is a REPOST of my ranting of categorizing customers that was posted on ASSC in October of 1995.

Dancers: For your amusement, I've categorized and pigeonholed customers for you. But, before reading on, keep in mind, a customer could change categories as you are talking to him. He could also be part #1 and part #2 etc. Don't expect to be the next Anna Nicole Smith just by reading this.

Customer Type #1: Entertainment Only

This customer is bored, and want some adult entertainment. This type of customer will usually come with friends and drink. He's there (and not at home watching TV etc) because of the sexual aspect of the club. This does not mean he wants sex from you. The same way he looks at the pictures in Playboy but does not expect to do anything with the centerfold. It is purely entertainment. For this type of customer, you just need to be a good dancer and smile. The club has to do the rest.

Customer Type #2: Hard-Core

This customer is not just bored like #1, he wants some sexual activity. This can be mild (nude table dances) to extreme (sex in or outside the club). Usually, will come to the club alone. If you want to, you could get a lot of money out of this customer type. Things to look out for: Don't confuse money with love. What does this mean?

Just because type #2 tips you big, this does not mean he likes you specifically. He wants some level of sex. He might like you too, but that's incidental to him. This means that after he gets what he wants (whatever it is), he could turn it off like a switch.

Best thing for you to do here is get as much money from him while you can because it won't last forever.

Customer Type #3: Groupie

This customer wants to hang around dancers or females for some reason. Either he specifically likes dancers or it's just a good easy way to interact with females. This type of customer wants to spend a lot of time with you.

If he has no money, this will mean cheap dates or just being around the club a lot. Rocker dudes fall into this category to find a girl friend that will support him. Others end up working as bouncers or DJs. They could get better jobs but they like dancers. The best here for you is, if you love him, be his girlfriend but don't give him all your money. Put some away for yourself because he won't last. Otherwise, just have sex with him, if it's good.

If he has a lot of money, this means lot's of dinners, shopping, traveling, etc. He could pay your rent and buy you a car. You could be the next Anna Nicole Smith. This type wants a lot of time with you, not just sex.

The best for you here is to marry the richest one you can find and don't sign any pre-nups. :) Having said all this, my rule of thumb is, never do anything you're going to lose sleep over.

Dancer Types
November 7, 1995

The following is a REPOST of my ranting of categorizing dancers that was posted on ASSC in October of 1995.

Customers: This next section categorizes dancers for your amusement. Don't take it too seriously or injury may result from application. Do not ingest or apply to lips.

As with all categorizations, dancers may be a mixture of different types or act differently to different customers. She might even change types while you are asking for your next lap dance.

Dancer Type #1: FOB (Fresh off the Bus)

This is the unjaded, fresh dancer. She originally wanted to be a professional dancer and ended up dancing at a club. She might be from Iowa where they don't lock their doors. She acts just like a normal girl in a normal situation. She's not afraid to tell you about herself and doesn't realize there is any stigma to dancing. You can detect her because she actually likes her job. She doesn't know how to dance and she doesn't know how to scam. No dancers stays in this category too long.

If you are nice, you can be friends with her and she will treat you like a real friend. She doesn't know how to scam you for money but she might ask straight out if she needs it. If you want to take advantage of her and jade her for life, you could take her on a long ride without a return ticket. Then, she'll become type #2.

Dancer Type #2: Professional Hustler

The word "hustler" does not mean prostitute here. She's at work to make money and nothing else. She usually doesn't even have time to talk to the other dancers, let alone be friends with them. She will scan the room and find the customer that fits her profile and attack. She might be the type to give nothing and get whatever money she can OR she might give you whatever she has to, in order to get all your money. You can detect her when she says, "You have to get a dance from me. I'm the best and I'll prove it." as she softly caresses your upper thigh area. She drives the Vet and dates the married millionaire.

If you are an unsuspecting newbie customer (type #2), you will be sucked dry. You'll be lucky if she only takes your cash. If you are a professional type #2 customer, you've met your match. This can be rewarding (best dances ever) but still costly and dangerous. In either case, watch out. Do NOT try to be friends with this category. Nothing will come of it.

Dancer Type #3: Professional Dancer

She's like type #2 except she's not there to suck money. Oh yes, she's there to work and make money, but the old fashioned way... she earns it. Usually, this type of dancer does not do nasty dances but there are exceptions. She might have been a type #1 dancer at one time and might turn into a type #2 dancer in the future. You can detect her because she knows enough to ask for a dance but she'll talk to you forever even though you're not tipping her. She's more interested in not being bored than making money sometimes (will call in sick to go to a party). She knows how to scam for money but it doesn't "feel right". She tends to just make enough money to get by. Might have a kid(s).

If you want to just chat, get to know a dancer or be friends with a dancer, this is the type to pick. She'll be a real friend to you but that has responsibilities. If you want nasty stuff and NOW, pick #2 because #3 dancers usually don't know how.

Plop. I hear the flame mail rolling in now.