Got a burning question but a little afraid to ask about something very personal? Sometimes a female point of view is needed when it comes to some questions. That's the point of this section. Don't worry. Your questions will be anonymous. Send your questions directly to Mistress Xena at xena@zbone.me. Mistress Xena is an exotic dancer in Los Angeles who is also Internet enabled AND ready and willing to help those in need of some advice. As always, remember that she is not a doctor or lawyer and the opinions expressed by her are not medical or legal advice. Moreover, Mistress Xena's opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Z Bone.

Oral dancing?
Mon, 20 Sep 1999

Q:
When my boyfriend takes a dancer to a motel so she can have oral sex with him, does he also have oral sex with her?
X:
Well considering I haven't been in the motel room with them, I really can't answer your question. But I have a question for you...since you seem so nonchalant about the whole subject, would it really make that big of a difference? By the way, if a "dancer" is having oral sex with a customer in a motel, she is not just a dancer-- if you catch my drift.

God's gift to women
Thu, 26 Aug 1999

Q:
I am writing in response to the fellow you you rightfully trashed as gods gift to woman. This guy is a total jerk! He deserved what he got. If I may add a few thoughts that some of the men out there don't seem to get. I have gone to strip clubs on and off for years and have never so much as even thought about dating or even think of going there for sex! I go to see beautiful naked woman. Thats it! Its what drives us in the first place.

My feeling is that some guys equate girls at strip clubs as easy targets because of what they do. Some think that they can just go right into a club and see what the girls are made of; or in other words see what they look like without clothes on so they won't be dissapointed. Hard to explain but I think you get the gist of it.

In all of the years I have gone to strip clubs I have been propositioned only once. I remember it well. A very attractive tall blonde with a killer of a smile. I was given a phone number to call her. She explained that we would meet at a holel and that I was required to bring a condom. She used the term we alot suggesting she had a female partner also. I did call the number once to see if it was legitimate. It was. I went back to the club once more and had several lap dances with her whereupon she continued to urge me to set somrthing up. When I was done at the club; or more accurately out of money and on my way out I looked back at her and watched her working the next guy. Thats all it took to keep me grounded. I have never been back to thgat club or have attempted to see her again. I don't know how many guys shes been with or if she is carying any disease. But I don' want to find out.

Most of the girls I have met have beeen really nice. Some have been fun. Some were working themselves through college. Others just plain loved what they do. Sounds like a typical person describing their job.

In closing I would like to say that these typs of guys are looking in the worng places for sex. They might as well be out on the street. Alot of them are there because they can see they goods before hand; which is the wrong reason. Actually I couldn't think of a worse place to pick up women than a strip club. These guys are there for the wrong reason. They are hard up and selfish. Aparrantly they can not keep a relationship in the real world. Keep ssetting them straight.
X:
Thanks for your encouragement. Obviously you can see that this dancer/prostitute was soliciting her outside services and not interested in a meaningful relationship (as some gentlemen might believe). I am glad you have a firm grip on reality.

Take care,

Xena

What really goes on?
Wed, 28 Jul 1999

Q:
HI! My husband frequents srip clubs with friends at the most twice per year. I just want to know what a lap dance consists of. He and his friends say that the girl doesn't touch you and you don't touch the girl. I was just curious exactly what happens as men don't seem to want to break the "code of silence".
X:
Well, it depends on the club and the girl. Typically a lap dance involves the dancer grinding on a customer's lap. However, there are some clubs where the dancer just dances seductively in front of a man sitting on a chair or couch.

The ideal scenerio is that the dancer is allowed to touch the guy, but the guy is NOT supposed to touch the girl. Then on the other side of the coin, without going into details, there are dancers which do much more than just grinding on the man's lap. Yes, this is basically illegal and if the police were to bust the place, both the man and the dancer could be arrested. Unfortunately many clubs turn a blind eye to these situations.

The "close-ness factor" really has to do with zoning laws. Each city has its own rules for strip clubs.

I wouldn't worry too much about your husband though. Twice a year is not that big of a deal, in my opinion. If you are really concerned you can ask him which club he goes to and check Zbone's site for reviews on them.

I applaud you for being a concerned wife and also for being open minded.

Hope this helps
Xena

Leaky problem
Mon, 26 Jul 1999

Q:
ok, ive got a different kind of problem that i hope you could give me some advice on. ive read your advice to the guy that "finished" with a dancer, and your advice was sound. but this is my problem, when i get excited i leak "pre-cum". or technically cuypers fluid. and it can create a mess. now i dont see it as much a mess as a full ejaculation, but the dancers think that thats what it is. ive tried the condom thing, but EVERY time ive tried it, it eventually comes off due to the dancer's work. are you familiar with this phenom?? any suggestions??
X:
Don't worry, friend, "pre-cum" is normal. I find it hard to believe that during a lap dance the condom falls off (she must be grinding REALLY hard). But if this tends to be the case, you can always try wearing two pairs of underwear.

Dating dancers
Tue, 20 Jul 1999

Q:
I have read with interest your comments concerning dating dancers.

I have dated various dancers for over twenty years.

I understand that it is a commercial relationship. I basically look at it as public relations. Just as a salesman takes his clients to lunch or dinner to improve the business relationship, dancers go out with me for the same reason.

She gets a good meal and a little fun; I get pleasant company for the evening. I NEVER directly pay for the date. I usually arrive at the club about an hour before she gets off and will have 3-4-5 lap dances and tip her $60 to $100 dollars depending on the number of dances.

We go to dinner and sometimes go dancing, walk in the park, occasionally a movie. The conversation is light. I don't talk about my problems and I don't want to hear about hers or the "dramas" that occurred at the club that day.

I taken dancers to the races (I'll provide $20 or $25 dollars for bets) Winnings are hers.

I even taken a dancer to a casino. ($40 a day for gambling)

If I want to break it off, I just find another club for a while. I can almost guarantee that in six months I can go back to the original bar and she won't be there.

If I look at it as just another entertainment expense what difference does it make if she thinks she is "taking" me? I only spend the money I want to spend. I only buy her what I want to buy her.

Maybe I am a "sucker" but it is only money and life is short.
X:
I think that is fine and dandy as long as you are aware of what you are getting--which IS entertainment. Unfortunately many men mistake "dates" as a chance for a serious relationship. I'm glad that it sounds as though you have your head on straight. You sound like a good guy, perhaps its now time to look for a relationship with a woman who is not a dancer. This is not a flame, just an opinion.

How to pickup dancers
Tue, 20 Jul 1999

Q:
Remember when we had stewardnesses; now we have flight attendants. They were so impressed with their own importance. They talk about safety and such but the bottom line is they are just flying waitresses.

Toples dancers are selling their bodies. They want to be thought of an entertainers. As you have stated they are just warm meat.

There is an old joke: A man goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "Will you sleep with me for a million dollars?" She says, "yes". He then says will you sleep with me for $100. She says of course not what do you think I am. He says we have already established what you are. We are now just haggling over the price.

I go into a new club and check out the dancers. Pass over the great looking ones. Discount the dogs. Pick a couple in the middle.

Go in several times a week. Get a couple of table dances each time. Be nothing but kind, polite and tip just above average. Watch the other patrons to extablish the norm.

In other words treat her like a complete lady. After severl weeks ask if you can touch her (if touching is the normal routine).

After 8 to ten visits hesitantly ask her if you can take her to dinner after she gets off. NO, move on. Wark your #2 choice the same way. You should have been bring her along anyway.

After you get the date again treat her like nothing but a lady. Most dancers have been abused by "father figues", boyfriends, and husbands. They have no experience handing the gental type man. After several dates of playing to her ego and the subject comes up (and it will) tell her you can't be unfaithful to your wife. Now she has a challenge!

8 times out of 10 she will seduce you!!! She wants to be the one that makes you break your "vows".

Never try to talk her into anything. Let her bring it up and talk you into it. There is nothing like a f**k from a woman trying to get her claws in you.

It works more often as not. So many women, so little time.

Dancers use men. Men use dancers if they know what they are doing!!!!

I'm sure you don't like to hear this, but the truth is the truth.

Have a good time trashing me. Its only words. We'll never meet since I work the Florida clubs.

If you are interested, I'll tell you about a hot little red head I once "had" on an extended trip to Georgia.

Bye, Bye
X:
Actually, I'm not interested, but thanks anyway.

Are you a cop?
Sat, 17 Jul 1999

Q:
I am interested in asking for the services of the various escorts who advertise on the web. Are there some questions I can ask that would help me avoid entrapment? Besides are you a cop?
X:
Moi??? A COP??? Are we a bit paranoid? Sir, I am a dancer and I do not do work on the side, therefore I don't know the answer to your question. Perhaps you can try asking THEM if they are cops!
Z:
Normally, I would not butt in on Xena's section but I see that there is some misunderstanding here. I think what the question being asked was if there is something other than saying "Are you a cop?" that he could use to avoid arrest.

For the record, cops are allowed to lie. Therefore, even if you asked if the escort was a cop, she could lie and say that she wasn't, and it would hold up in court. There has been some sting operations on web based escort services after the service was busted. The vice would answer the phone and arrange meetings for busts. In these cases, they will ask you to come to a specific location where the bust is taking place and they would not come to your location. However, some legit escorts also often do not come to your location because they are afraid of busts too. So it's a crap shoot if you ask me. But you didn't. You asked Xena. Oh, nevermind.

What's that smell?
Fri, 09 Jul 1999

Q:
It seems as though there is a particular lotion or purfume that many dancers favor. Am I just confused, or is there a trade fave? If there is, what is it? Someone once told me it was a certain Victoria Secret body lotion.
X:
Yes, Victoria's Secret is very popular and the most popular scents are usually the newest ones on the shelves. I personally favor "Whispering Mists".

My girlfriend is a dancer
Mon, 14 Jun 1999

Q:
I'm currently dating a dancer. I met her in the club when I went in for a bachelor party, and we talked throughout the night. I got a few dances, but we spent more time talking to each other. She called me a few days later and we've been together ever since.

However, you can imagine the kind of insecurities I can sometimes face when I really think about her job. She's easily one of the bigger revenue generators in her club and has a lot of regulars that spend tons on her.

I love her to death. I trust her. She has no chemical dependencies and she wasn't abused as a child. She started the job to pay off her school bills and then continue. But with the kind of money she's generating, I don't see school in her future. We talk about her job, her regular customers, and she seems to share just about everything with me. She's extremely family oriented and we're compatible mentally, physically, and sexually. She's met my family and they love her. (they don't know what she does).

Our sex life in phenomenal. We're both very uninhibited. We experiment, watch movies, buy toys together, and have absolutely no desire to bring anyone else into our relationship.

Sounds too good to be true sometimes. At least that's what I keep thinking. I'm 10 years older than she is, she's been dancing for almost two years, and she plans to keep doing it for awhile (the money of course). I've accepted that since I met her in that atmosphere and knew at the outset what she did. And I certainly wouldn't risk all positives of our relationship with some ridiculous ultimatum.

My biggest concern, though, is that from where she came from ( a small town), I feel that there's more in life that she might like to experience before settling down. Although she's never expressed that to me, she gets a lot of attention and I'm not sure if I wasn't around she wouldn't do more things (perhaps with customers???) I'm not sure... and I know my insecurities are starting to show now. But I think if I had I met her after she'd done this for a few years and "seen it all", I might feel better about it.

Sometimes, because I care about her so much, and the pain gets so unbearable, I'll take a weekend and go away by myself just to gather my self-esteem and tell myself over and over that she loves me, not them. These trips usually carry me to Palm Springs where I veg and golf by myself for the weekend.

I want her to know that she has a genuine partner and friend with me; not an insecure boyfriend. So I don't express my feelings about her job. I just listen, laugh, and go with it. She calls me from the dressing room all the time, tells me of her weird customers, bizarre proposals, other girls that are whacked, sleeping with customers or she'll just call to say she's not in the mood to dance and she's coming home to me.

We love our time together. She doesn't work Friday's, Saturday's, or Sunday's so we can have the full weekends together and we'll usually travel, but she can be completely content to just lie around and do nothing.

I have a good career so she knows I don't need her money, and we share so much that it's really beautiful. She loves me and she wants to get married. I love her and I want to marry her. We have the same outlook on kids and the timeframe to have them.

Am I in for trouble here? Is this all going to blow up in my face somehow? I'd love for someone to give me insight into this because it has me dumbfounded. One day I'm thrilled to be alive and I truly feel I'm lucky to have her in my life. Other days it becomes unbearable to know that anyone can pay 40 and touch her.

What should I expect? Is something going to surface that usually does with dancers, or I'm a really just a lucky guy who met his soul mate? I'm a conservative guy and one who looks for stability. All of my relationships have been lengthy, and I don't bounce around at all. I'm a good looking guy, get approached when I'm out alone, but I'm very happy being monogamous.
X:
It is understandable that you would feel insecure concerning your relationship. I go through the same thing myself with my partner. However, it sounds as though you have a good woman, which you richly deserve. I do hope she tries to calm your insecurities, at least. Some of the most loyal women in the world are dancers. Because we must deal with assholes much of the time, there is nothing better than coming home to your lover, knowing that he (or she) is there for you.

I also understand your concerns for her future. I hope she is smart and knows that she can't dance forever. When she is ready, I'm sure she will decide on what to do with her future, regardless of what it is. You can't force her to go to school unless she wants to go herself. She should at least learn to sock away some of her money, perhaps there you can influence her.

You sound like a terrific guy, and I just hope your girlfriend appreciates what she has--which it sounds like she does.

Ta Ta for Now,
Xena

Is he at a strip club?
May 26, 1999

Q:
I have done tons of research on this, internet and books, from all points of view. But I still cannot find whatever it is I am searching for. Perhaps your response will fill in the gap.

A quick history: I've been in a matehood for 4 yrs. I am 48, he 42. He owned a strip club in his early twenties. His viewing of porn mags and videos has instigated serious negative reaction from me. He has stated that it wouldn't bother him if I had sex outside the relationship, that the reason he doesn't is because of STD, and because he told me he wouldn't (but for no other reason). He's said he's visited strip clubs during our relationship. I had made it clear, early on, that his attitudes made me become protective of myself. But I held on, hoping he would respect my feelings.

Periodically, he would come home late, not having called. I seriously let him know this bothered me, that he was giving me cause to distrust him, since I knew of his beliefs and attitudes. He tried to tell me I was insecure and that I made him feel bad that I didn't trust him.

The very night after we made plans to regroup, after I'd pushed him out of the house for coming home late and not calling (for the umptinth time), he continued to do the nude club thing (again without calling), - though I still didn't have the privilege of knowing just what he was doing.

I shortly thereafter discovered that during several periods - most recently 2 months straight, he visited nude bars and spent $200 to $300 each visit, once or twice a week (a "no touch" State). Now that I look back, I realize he has lied to me on any or all occasions necessary. He says he tips to get the girls to relax and perform better, that it is ART.

I went to the place by myself, to discover his art. Hmm.

To note: I felt the girls were great. I admired their courage.

Do you have a response for me?
X:
I'm not exactly sure of what you are asking but from your letter I can tell you are very discouraged.

Of course, being a dancer myself, I have quite open opinions about pornography. But I would be a bit concerned if my partner was more interested in other sources for sexual gratification (physical or not) than in myself.

Perhaps he feels as though he is not getting enough satisfaction at home therefore, he feels that he needs to get it somewhere else. This is merely speculatory. Please understand, I am not judging you in any way. But possibly this could be his opinion.

Obviously since you caught him in a lie, you have a right to not trust him. I'm sure the nights he was staying out late and not calling were spent at a strip club.

I know this probably won't make you feel better, but viewing pornography videos, magazines, or live stage performances is at least safer than anything physical.

Either way, it sounds to me like your relationship needs a little spice. Perhaps opening your mind a little bit might be the key to having a more fulfilling relationship.

What I mean by that is instead of becoming completely turned off by videos or magazines, maybe you can try watching them with him. Ask him if he would like you to do to him what is being done on the screen. Maybe you could go to a club with him and get some lap dances of your own. Even if you are not into women, you might possibly find the experience arousing. Maybe you can perform a private strip show of your own for him. My personal favorite is reading naughty stories to my lover from a magazine and changing the names to our own. It has never failed!

The thing that concerns me the most is that he doesn't care if you go out and sleep with someone else. That to me sounds very odd. Either he doesn't care, or he feels that if you do it, then he wouldn't feel guilty about his "fetishes". Another reason could be that he feels inadequate about himself and can't please you. Whatever the reason, I think you need to have a serious talk about this issue.

If worse comes to worse, I would seek counseling. If you feel that this man is too much of a burden, financially or otherwise, you have to decide if you want to stay with him. That decision has to be your own.

I do hope I have been of some help. Please let me know how you are doing.

To ask or not to ask
May 16, 1999

Q:
Hey Mistress, I'm wondering do you know of alot of girls that date customers? I'm asking because twice on both occasions the dancer just came up to me and gave me their number. Now I know its a jobs dancer to act like they like you so they can ask for a dance, but several times I will sit and talk to a girl after telling them I'm not interested in getting a dance and feel like they are really interested in me, I don't ask for their number because I don't want to look like an idiot if thats not what they want, but at the same time I feel like sometimes that they are waiting for me to ask. Is there a good way for me to ask or put it out their?
X:
I must say that most of the dancers I know, do NOT date customers. However, this is not to say that it never happens.

You must be very careful in this situation. Dancers are some of the best actresses in the world. Many times they will give you their number as part of the business, to get you to come back and spend money on them. Often, dancers would like you to ask them out so you can spend your hard-earned money on them outside of the club.

Want to know if she is for real? Then listen up!

1. Test the number. If the number is a pager/voice mail or cell phone a warning signal should go off in your head. If the girl is really sincere, she would give you her home phone number, which is generally not common practice.

2. Go ahead and ask her out to something casual like lunch or dinner. See how she responds. Shopping trips do not count! In other words, a trip to the mall does not constitute a date!

In either case, there is nothing wrong with asking your dancer for a date, just be prepared to handle the consequences. Dancers can be very flaky as well so even if she accepts, do not be surprised if she doesn't show up. I am sorry if this advice comes across as very negative, but I think it is always better to never expect anything. This way, if something good does come out of it, it will be worth that much more.

Make sure you are aware of all the boundaries. Guard your heart and your wallet.

Where can I get my costumes?
April 17, 1999

Q:
I just moved from Sacramento, to La. I got a Job as a dancer. I dont know my way around. I need to know where to shop for clothes and shoes. I live in west la. I rather go to stores. We have people who come into our club, that sells clothes ect. but to many dancers are surrounding it. I like to take my time, so do you have any suggestions?
X:
Some places that are very popular to buy stripper clothes are Fredricks of Hollywood, the store in Hollywood has the best selection and all the cool shoes, "Roma" also in Hollywood a few blocks down from Fredericks, and "Tony shoes" in Hollywood, across the street from these locations has a great selection. Another popular place to buy clothes are "Trashy Lingerie" which is very elegant but very expensive and "Strings by Judith" located in Orange County.

I typically prefer to buy my clothes through catalogues because I hate making the drive to Hollywood. My fave catalogues are "Fredricks of Hollywood" and "Flirt" is the best. They even have an online catalogue. "Victoria's Secret" is also very popular but in my opinion, the clothes are more conservative. Several costume ladies can make outfits just for you as well so it wouldn't hurt to ask the people that come into the club for a business card.

I hope this helps!

What does "no" mean?
March 24, 1999

Q:
I just have a quick question. I know that many men (including me) have fell for a dancer at a club which is why we go back. I was wondering if it's wrong to ask a dancer to lunch or dinner. If she says, "No" will that affect the customer-dancer relationship. Thanks.
X:
Ok, I have very strong opinions about this. It is not wrong to ask a dancer out, however it can put a strain on the dancer and make her uncomfortable. You should NEVER go into a club and expect anything from a dancer. WE ARE THERE TO MAKE MONEY, NOT TO MEET MEN!!! You have to realize that we have hundreds of men who fall for us and literally get asked out hundreds of times a night. We like to keep our private lives separate from work. Many of us are married or have boyfriends, but we don't tell you about them because it would ruin the fantasy. That's why it's so important to keep your grip on reality.

It really irks me that customers can't just be satisfied with entertainment at the club, that some men feel like they actually have a chance with us outside of the club. If it irks me, you better believe it irks alot of dancers.

If a girl likes you, she will probably ask YOU out for a date and to take her "shopping" doesn't count-especially if you are footing the bill.

Now, will it put a strain on the relationship? If you can accept her refusal, then no, probably not. But if after she refuses once, you keep persisting or pressure her in other ways, or not dance with her because she refused, then YES it will put a strain on your relationship.

I know of some girls who do go out to dinner with their customers, but trust me, it is usually only to increase the "dancer-customer" relationship. Notice I said customer. You must be very careful in this circumstance. Make sure you are aware of her intentions. Don't be fooled.

In rare circumstances real relationships can bloom between dancers and customers, but you have to take an honest look at yourself and ask why is this lady going out with me. Is it because she really likes me, or because I spend a ton of money on her. I don't want to see you get your heart broken. I suggest looking for dates elsewhere.

Too old to dance?
March 19, 1999

Q:
I'm new to dancing. I've only been doing it for 3 months. I really like it but I'm 40 yrs old. I look good and people tell me I don't look 40, I look anywheres from 32 yrs to 35 years. I'm 5 ft tall, weigh 105 lbs., and I don't have any flab, but my breasts are small. My first question is, guys know I'm older than most of the girls at the club, but they just don't know how old. Do guys like to watch older women thinking they are more experienced? Or is it a turn off. I'm asking this question because I'm thinking of leaving my current club and going to audition at another club and I'm real nervouse that the guys won't like me.

Now for my next question. When I'm on stage, I like to touch myself all over, it seems to turn most guys on at my club, is this what most guys like to see?

Please help me, I'm desparate.
X:
This is an interesting question. I can understand it must be a little difficult to have just started dancing at your age, while competing with the 18 year old girls just starting out too (hell, I'm no spring chicken anymore myself). I can understand your apprehension. But I do give you alot of credit. The first thing you should understand is that every customer has different tastes. I have found through experience, no matter how you look or what your age, there will ALWAYS be someone who will like you. And besides, you sound like you have a fab body and if no one asks your age, don't tell them. You can always lie about it too if you really want to. There will always be some guys who will like you and some who won't. There will be some guys who will be turned on by the fact that you are older. Most importantly, you just have to find a club where you feel comfortable.

As for touching yourself onstage, sure the guys love it and I see nothing wrong with it, but some clubs have very strict rules so you have to be careful not to get in trouble.

My main concern is that I hope you have something else you want to do with your life. Unfortunately we can't do this forever nor would we want to.

I wish you luck and let me know how it works out for you. YOU GO GIRL!!!

Dancers and phone numbers
March 12, 1999

Q:
Mistress Xena,

When a dancer gives me their phone number (especially without me asking) how do I DIPLOMATICALLY tell them I am only looking for sex outside the club not a relationship and would that be OK. I am doing this for a couple of reasons: (1) I want to weed out the wolves whom only want me to spend "real" money on them, and (2) I do not want to hurt those girls whom are looking for a relationship.

I pretty much put dancers into three categories: Dancers whom I only want to entertain me in the club. Dancers whom I want to have sex with and dancers whom I want to have a relationship.

I dated a dancer once and it was without question the most complicated and difficult relationship I have ever had. It was painful hearing about her traumatic experiences and it was even more painful to see her self-destruct. I spent a LOT of time holding her as see cried about her past (traumatic experiences), the present (hassles at work), and the future (the future is scary). During the time I knew her she attempted suicide three times. Emotionally I was shot and I greatly feared for her survival. I did not want to be around when she finally killed herself, so I broke off our relationship. Am I a terrible person for abandoning her in her hour of need? Based on my experience I do not want to go through this again, so I do not want a relationship with a dancer (although I'll probably get one anyway). They always seem to be so self-destructive. Instead I only want entertainment and/or sex.

When I was on business trips to other cities frequently I would end up with a dancer in my hotel room. It was amazing how easy it was since I wouldn't have to do anything--they would suggest it. However, in LA I don't run into this. Perhaps its because I live here. Instead after I got to know them and they got to know me they would give me their telephone number. They would complain if I did not call them. I rarely acted on these since by then I was involved with the dancer I have described above and I wasn't really interested. I suspect that some of these phone numbers were because I spent money in the club; although, I like to think that some of these were because they thought I was a nice guy.
X:
Stop the presses! We finally met God's Gift to Women!

When I first read this letter, I couldn't believe it! I have been debating on whether or not to answer this one for several weeks because I didn't want to give other men the wrong impression. But I figured this board could use a good laugh.

Basically what you are looking for is a free fuck. I have a very hard time believing that a dancer would be heartbroken that you don't want a relationship with her. You want to weed out the "wolves" who are only looking for money? What are you doing in a strip club then!

You think these women are just sitting at home anxiously waiting for your call? I highly doubt it.

And I'm sure these women want nothing more then to have a deep, meaningful relationship with you, oh man of all men. What makes you think that you are any better then the rest of the customers who come into the club. You see us as a piece of meat? I have news for you mister, we see you as a walking $ sign. In fact, I am crying into my pea soup right now because I can't believe you don't want a relationship with me! Bwahaha, sniffle, sniffle.

Ok, in all seriousness now, if you just want to let the dancer down easy, just tell her you are looking to get laid. Nothing more. If she's not up for it (perish the thought!) I'm sure she can direct you to a very nice location where you can find it, perhaps someplace where the sun don't shine.

Hmm, my pea soup tastes very salty now.

It's just a little crush...
March 12, 1999

Q:
I have a major crush on a stripper. I have been going to the club that she works at for over three years now. She is soooooo beautiful and she has become my freind. We flirt ridiculously when I visit her at the club. We have set up several "dates" to do stuff together over the past three years, but she has flaked on every single date. I have her # and she has mine and we talk on the phone outside of the club from time to time.

She confessed to me a year ago that she is into women as well, but that at work she likes to keep it "low profile" about her sexuality. I respect that, but I just don't understand her. When she gives me lap dances they are so sexual and nasty, but when it comes down to it, it's like she's all bark and no bite. My question is how should I go about getting her to go out with me and sticking to the date for once? She's made it clear to me several times that she is sexually turned on by me and we totally get along, but I just can't seem to get her to let me take her out... What do you suggest?
X:
Unfortunately most dancers are major flakes. While I do believe she is attracted to you and obviously likes you, she may be a little scared to actually make it a reality. Either this or she could be just playing an act. But I believe it is the former. But I say the same thing to you that I say to gentlemen customers. Don't expect anything out of a dancer. And you should know that being a women, the best way to get someone's attention, is by playing hard to get. Try not to be too pushy and maybe back off a little bit, and see if her interest increases. She may wind up asking you for a date!

In the meantime, don't get yourself too wrapped up in pursuing her. I can't speak for her as to why she always flakes on you. You could ask her directly why that is, but most likely, it is just because she is a flake.

Need fresh meat
March 12, 1999

Q:
I am the owner of several adult sites, and am looking for some fresh girls to put on my site. I usually place ads in newspapers etc etc... but have always wondered about asking a dancer if she'd like to do a photo session. It's hard for me to ask her because i'm not sure if she'll believe me and think that i'm a psyco, or i'm just plain intimidated. Has anyone ever asked you something like that? have you ever heard of dancers who ever did this? thanks for your time!
X:
There is nothing wrong with asking dancers if they would like to pose for your websites. In fact I have done it myself as well as some magazines through customers I have met at the club. Just make sure you can show them that your sites are legit and maybe bring along your portfolio. Also I don't know if you are planning on paying for her services, but if you do, I suggest you pay her in cash. I say this because I have been burnt once by a photographer who used my pics in magazines and never got paid for them. Ah but that's another story...

I wanna be a stripper
March 12, 1999

Q:
I have wanted to become a stripper for almost three years now. What my problem is is my boyfreind.(We've been together 5 years) We started going to strip clubs about a year after we started dating and it was great at first, until I started to want to strip as a part-time career. He is totally against it. We have gone back and forth about it for over two years. I finally dropped the subject, but the thing is, this past year I have had this urge to do it badly. I even practice in front of the mirror and try on clothes when he's not home. Its bad. I've done several ameature contests and loved being on stage and performing. This is something that I really want to do, but I am tired of arguing with him about it and am trying to keep the peace, so I have been keeping it all inside and I feel really unhappy, because I feel that I am not being true to myself. I do love my boyfriend and I understand how he feels, but I am torn because I really want to do this. I've tried talking to him many times about it and we always end up arguing about it. What should I do? Should I be true to myself and follow my heart and become a stripper and kick him to the curb? Help!!!!!! What is your view on the subject?
X:
I can understand your predicament. But, the first thing I have to ask is are you positive you want to be a stripper? I am very curious to know why you would like to be a dancer. It is not always what it appears to be. A lot of dancers are unhappy with their work. You must keep in mind that stripping is a job, not a career. You can only dance for so long. When it comes time to look for a real job, it can be a problem filling out your resume'. Also it can be very stressful when dealing with some of the customers. Several of them are pigs who can not behave themselves, you will get asked for dates constantly, and some of them will even fall in love with you.

Another issue is self esteem. Believe it or not, this job can take its toll on your self esteem. I have witnessed many girls in the dressing room crying because they couldn't get a dance, weren't making any money, or were insulted by a rude customer.

There are 2 roads that dancers generally take (from my observations). There is the high road-the smart girls, for example the girls who are dancing to put themselves through school to get a better career, saving their money, and keep their private lives separate from their work. And there is the low road, including girls who have nothing to fall back on, get into drugs or prostitution, or generally fall into the trap of still dancing until they find someone to marry who will support them so they don't have to. Now I'm not saying all dancers fall into each of these categories, I'm just speaking from my personal experiences.

Ok, now after all that, you still want to dance? Alright then now for my advice with your man. It is understandable that he would be apprehensive about your dancing. BUT what you need to ask yourself is-is he supporting you financially? Will he leave you if you become a dancer? Would you be ok with that if it meant fulfilling your dream? How would he react if you told him you were going to dance whether he likes it or not and he could either support you or goodbye? Some things to discuss with him: Does your boyfriend trust you to be a smart girl who can make smart decisions? Do you feel you are a smart girl who makes smart decisions? What is it he is so concerned about?

It would be great if you can work out a compromise-tell him to let you try it out for one week at one club that he knows of and likes. This way, he can be familiar with the way the club is and you can really see what it is like and if this is really what you want to do. (Contests do not give you an actual perception of what this job is really like) Assuming your boyfriend trusts you, perhaps explaining the benefits of the job would help like all the money you can make, or the free time you will have to do things with him (dancers generally can take time off when they want to). He doesn't seem to mind that you do contests, so this would naturally be the next step.

I can't tell you what to do. These are some serious considerations you have to decide upon for yourself. I just hope that you are the "smart dancer" who chooses the right road for yourself if you are very serious about it. And I hope some of this advice has been helpful to you. I wish you the best of luck, and keep me posted.

Strip for fun
February 28, 1999

Q:
I'm a European female, age 25 and very beautiful. I just arrived to Los Angeles and I love to dance. I've always had this fantasy about dancing at a strip club. I love my body and the idea of dancing naked for an audience it's exciting.

I'm also bisexual (although I've never been with another woman yet) and being surrounded by other gorgeous women it's very arousing for me. I never had the courage to dance in a strip club in my home country because I come from a very conservative family who would never approve such a thing.

Being so far from home makes me think that maybe now I can give it a try and fulfill my fantasy. I don't need the money. Fortunately, I'm wealthy enough. I just want to do it for the fun. I'm married and I love my husband very much. He is very sweet. He trust and respects me and supports my crazy ideas. His only concern is my security. I visited a couple of clubs here in LA and I'd rather dance in those where the dancers don't get completely nude like in Fantasy Island. My husband made me promise to keep my top and panties on at all times. I had to compromise! : ) It's okay by me.

Now, here are my questions...

1. Being a foreigner, can I dance in a strip club without a green card or a working permit ? (I don't want to be hired nor paid, I just want to be allowed to dance there whenever I feel like) is it possible?

2. Who shell I approach in the club to ask permission to dance there?

3. In case I'm allowed to dance in the club, can my husband escort me and wait for me in the club while I dance?

4. Is it true that there are a lot of dancers who are Bi or Lesbians? What are the chances of finding a dancer who would be open for some fun together outside work?

I would appreciate any advice you can give me about this matters. Love,

Lena
X:
The suggestion I have for you, why not try a contest? That is the best way to get a little experience and not be committed to a job and also possibly a way to win a little cash! Try contacting the types of clubs you are interested in (i.e. that aren't nude) and see when and if they hold their amateur contests. They will fill you in on all the details.

Now for your specific questions:

1. I don't know about the green card issue. Several clubs do not give their dancers a paycheck-they work solely on tips, so this may be an option for you. Each club has different policies on schedules. Most that I know of, prefer you work a few days a week regularly. But there are some that don't care and will let you come in whenever you feel like it (although, that may not sit too well with some of the dancers).

2. Call and ask for the manager to set up an audition or discuss the hiring procedures.

3. Most clubs have a bouncer to escort you to and from your car. It is generally not allowed to have your husband or boyfriend sit in the club while you are working (contests do not apply). If he is to sit in there for a short time, it may be acceptable-but not for the whole shift. Again, all clubs vary on their policies.

4. I would have to say that alot of dancers ARE bisexual especially given the nature of our profession, we are generally more sexually open. But never assume a dancer is bisexual. There are several who aren't. As for outside "fun", don't expect anything, but you can always ask.

Good luck to you!

Supermodel customers
February 22, 1999

Q:
Thanks for your insight! I've always wanted to know what you girls really think and feel when you dance for guys. So where do you dance at? I'd love to meet you and see you dance! ok here is my question: Does it make a difference how good looking a guy is? I mean when i was at a club, there was this one dancer who absolutely was mindblowingly beautiful. I was waiting for her to approach me and ask for a lap dance, but she was either A) taken before she got near me, or B) walked around my table. I'm no supermodel or anything, but i'm far from ugly and have plenty of money. So i guess my question is this: what are dancers thinking when they prowl the floor?

i ended up asking her for the dance....
X:
Sorry I can't tell you where I dance because it would expose my anonymity. Now to answer your question...

As I'm sure you and everyone else knows, dancing is our job. It is to provide entertainment for everyone regardless of their race, age, or appearance. Looks generally are not an issue, however sometimes the way a gentleman is dressed does affect who we will ask for a dance. For example, if a man is dressed in obviously dirty clothes, appears unkempt, or looks like he belongs behind bars, it is less likely that he will be approached. You don't have to be wearing a tuxedo or suit, but as long as you look like you recently showered there shouldn't be a problem. Note-we look for guys who look like they have money and are willing to spend it!

As for other reasons why a customer might not be asked for a dance... Body language tells alot. Example-If you are sitting at a table with arms crossed looking uninterested, not tipping anyone or getting dances from anyone, you may appear unapproachable.

Perhaps the dancer you were interested in was very busy, or maybe even a bit shy. I know several dancers who feel uncomfortable asking for dances.

To get a dancer to approach you... make eye contact with her and maybe smile a bit, tip her well on stage. That way she will know you are interested in her. If she happens to be walking by, get her attention. Please feel free to ask her for a dance. We LOVE that! It is a great compliment to be asked. But it is an insult to ask a different dancer about the one you like (this is just for your general information-as it happens occasionally).

One more thing, dancers talk to each other backstage. They share information about you amongst each other. If you are a pig, believe me all of the girls will know about it! The same holds true for if you are a big tipper who acts like a gentleman as well.

These are all things to keep in mind. I hope I have helped give you more insight to what we think. Happy lapping!

Accidents will happen
February 11, 1999

Q:
i recently visited a strip club and was enjoying a very pleasant lap dance. Well during this performance I became so excited that I ejaculated in my pants. I was quite embarresed. This was the first time that this had happened to me. I couldn't tell if the girl had noticed or not, she just continued doing her thing. I was wondering, has that ever happened to anyone of your customers, and what do you think about it happening to me.

thanks,

bootychaser
X:
This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME! The way I look at it is, the dancers are the ones who make you excited, therefore it is not unnatural for "accidents" to happen. BUT we do not want it getting on us or our clothes so it is common courtesy to warn us if you feel you are about to explode so we can get up in time. Otherwise, you can have some pretty upset dancers on your hands. However in my opinion it is nothing to feel embarrassed about as long as you are courteous.

If you are concerned about it happening again, go into the restroom and slip on a condom before you get your dance. This will protect your clothes from getting messy and us from potential hygiene risks-not to mention an unsightly stain on our clothes.

If the dancer didn't notice, then no harm done right? I just hope you gave her a little extra to go along with the "little extra" you gave her

Drugs
January 20, 1999

Q:
Xena,

I am dating a dancer whom I love very much. I recently learned that she is addicted to Meth and takes is whenever she dances. I know that several of her partners in this activity are also dancers. Is this a common thing in the profession? Is it necessary somehow for the girls?

Thanks,

Sixgun
X:
This is a very good question. I have known of several dancers who take meth or crystal and are addicted to it. Most dancers take it because it suppresses the appetite for several hours helping them to lose weight. On top of that, it boosts energy and gives a feeling of euphoria.

Unfortunately, this is very common. Many dancers are addicted to meth not to mention other drugs. The problem with meth is that it can become extremely addictive mentally as well as physically. Over time, it can cause major psychological damage, sometimes irreversible. I once knew a dancer who was so high on speed that she ran onto the freeway naked and had lain down in the middle of the road. Needless to say, she was arrested.

Some physical signs that your dancer uses speed are: extremely skinny, blemishes on face and body, and an erratic demeanor and personality.

It really is too bad that some dancers take the wrong road in their career, and that YOUR MONEY contributes to it. But the only way for a drug addict to stop, is to hit bottom before she can pick herself back up. By the way, it is in NO WAY required for dancers, in fact it is frowned upon.

I hope that eventually your fave dancer gets some help, but if she continues to work in that environment, with customers supporting her habit, it will be very difficult to break out of that cycle.

Good luck to you

Xena

The best way...
January 26, 1999

Q:
Understanding that I will be respectful and polite always to the dancer (Even when she says 'no'), how does one broach the subject of "extra mileage" without getting her embarassed/in trouble or you in trouble?

The Mad Whacker
X:
It is always a little uncomfortable to ask the dancer for more milage but let me say that it is always better to ask than to act like an octopus by groping and molesting the dancer. WE HATE THAT!!!

I don't know how much milage you are expecting, but asking for "extra" does put us on the spot. However, if you have a specific request, try asking her if she would consider fulfilling it for an extra tip. This allows us to set our limits and is better than just vaguely asking "how much extra" she will do. But don't expect to play unless you plan to pay!

Another tip: this can be dangerous if the dancer does not know you. How do we know you aren't a cop? I recommend getting to know the dancer first, perhaps trying out a few laps with her before asking the question to make her feel more comfortable with you.

If your dancer refuses to go as far as you would like don't push the issue. No customer is worth us getting fired or even arrested over! You can try a different dancer or a different club or even Sunset Blvd if you are unhappy.

And one more thing...you should know that most dancers don't really enjoy being groped. I don't care what they tell you, they do it because they have mouths to feed and rent to pay. And because of other girls doing extra, everyone has to compete. But we know what the customers want and unfortunately it is usually not just dancing.

For what it's worth, I hope my advice helps.

Xena

Q:
Xena, thank you for the reply but I would appreciate a little more clarification on some of the things mentioned:

"It is always a little uncomfortable to ask the dancer for more milage but let me say that it is always better to ask than to act like an octopus by groping and molesting the dancer. WE HATE THAT!!!"

Please understand that I ALWAYS keep my hands to myself. Usually I wait to see what the dancer offers in the course of my having a couple of lap dances from her. What I mean by this is how "aggressive" or "nasty" the dancer gets on her own without my asking for anything. I've felt that this helps for her to set, and me to understand her limits. Lately however (maybe because of the of all the busts) they seem to feel that because I am being non-aggressive and "gentlemanly" that I must be a cop. How do I reassure them that I'm "safe" without resorting to the hated "groping"??

"But don't expect to play unless you plan to pay!"

I ALWAYS expect to pay extra for the 'extras'. The only thing is, how much? Depending on the 'extra' offered and how frantic 'little Johnny' is screaming at me because of the lovely lady, I usually try to pay a fair but generous amount. The problem comes (no pun intended) when the lady takes the fee, the tip, and then asks for an even bigger tip. How do I know this is fair without feeling like I'm being ripped off?

"... or even Sunset Blvd"

Sunset Blvd still has these ladies? Hmmm...must remember to take a drive later in the week. <G>

Thank you though for all your insights,

The Mad Whacker
X:
I apologize if my response was too vague. I am glad to see that you are one of the more respectful customers. Why do you think that the dancers think you are a cop? Have they asked you that? You can always tell them straight out that "I'm not a cop, feel free to do whatever you like." I always find that the better behaved the customer is, the nastier I like to get. I feel freer to do what I want because I don't have to worry about swatting the guys hands away.

But down to business. I will tell you one more thing you can try to get more milage for your dollar.

While the girl is facing you, try lightly rubbing her back. It feels good and most dancers won't complain. Next, try slowly moving towards her sides and lightly brush against her breasts. Watch her reaction. If she doesn't stop you, then maybe you can proceed further. Always be aware of cameras and be as discreet as possible. There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want. But it is a good idea to always ask first politely before making any drastic moves.

As for tipping the dancers, I am glad to hear that you do compensate them. Perhaps try just paying for the dances first, then say "here's a little extra." That way they know that THAT is your tip. A fair tip in my opinion, is $10 or more. A good tip is to tip the price of the dance. But you should tip according to the way you feel about the dance recieved. If they still ask for more, then I would try to find another dancer.

It does sound to me like perhaps you are dancing with the wrong girls overall. Keep searching and hopefully you will find one that suits you. I wish you were MY customer...

Happy lapping!

Xena

Customer stupidity?
January 14, 1999

Q:
Dear Princess Xena,

I stopped at a club which I'd never been to but had heard good things about. Dancer #1 asked if I wanted a lap dance. I went with her to a booth and ended up paying $30 for total nudity. No problem.

Another lady eventually stopped by my table and I told her that when the manager ran a 2 for 1, I'd like a lap dance. She said "No problem, come now, it'll be between us." I sat back in the booth, she looked down at me and said "You look like you need a '6 pack'!" I laughed. I thought she was referring to a six pack of beer. This was also total nudity. I was enjoying myself but noticed that she was really spending some time with me. I had expected her to stop but figured she was really giving me some good value for my $30.

Finally, they called her to the stage and she jumped up, hurriedly putting on her clothes. I handed her $30--she said, "Oh, no, you owe me $90 for three sets!" She did give me three sets so I paid up, but I felt like I'd been had.

Princess Xena, am I stupid, or what? If I didn't do the "right thing" what should I have done under these circumstances?

Thank you for your courtesy.

Johnny
X:
I'm sorry to hear that you have been taken advantage of, but I see this happen all the time. I have asked several girls who do lots and lots of dances, if they ask the customer in between songs if they wish to continue. Several of them say that they don't, they just keep going. And several of them have ended up not getting paid for some of the dances because the customer didn't have enough money to pay for them. HA!

In the future, I recommend paying attention to when each song ends. If the girl keeps going, ask her if you are being charged for each song (which you usually are). Unfortunately, it is up to you to be aware of this, although I know it's hard to keep track when enjoying a great dance. If you are ready to stop, tell the dancer "thank you" and get up. She should get the message. Don't let her force you into getting another dance if you don't want it.

I'm just glad you had enough to cover the "damages". Just be aware and have fun!

Xena

Customer etiquette
January 12, 1999

Q:
Dear Mistress Xena, I'm not a regular. I haven't been to a club in years but went last week. After being asked by a number of girls for a "dance" I finally said "What the hell, why not!" and was lead to the back of the club by a beautiful brunette.

Since it was my first time, I just sat there with my hands at my side while she pressed herself against me, licking my neck, gently blowing into ear, putting her breasts in my face, and finally, with her back against my chest, she took my hands and laid them over her breasts which I very lightly squeezed. Wow!

It's been thirty years since I had my hands on a 19 year-old's breasts (I'm a 50 year-old gentleman). Needless to say, I was so thrilled, I paid her the $20 fee and tipped her an extra $10. I really enjoyed the experience and plan to return. But first, a couple questions on customer behavior.

Question #1: In the future, can I touch or do I wait for the invitation, like above?

Question #2: After the dance, would I be thrown out if I politely asked to buy her G-string for an extra $10-$20?

Thank you for your courtesy.

Johnny
X:
As for question #1: ALWAYS wait for the girl to make the first move. There is no easier way to get thrown out than to start groping when not invited. And get this-the better behaved you are, usually the more aggressive the dancer can be. Trust me!

Question #2: I don't see why you would be thrown out just for asking a question. I think that an even better idea would be along with the $20, to buy the girl a brand new g-string, then have her wear it for a little while and then give it back to you. Some of those G-strings are part of out outfits-don't always want to give them up. Hell, if you bought me a new one and gave me $20 bucks for it-I would do it in a minute! So I say go ahead and ask.

Cya

Scent and feel
January 10, 1999

Q:
Ms. Xena,
When i'm having a lap dance, the dancers I have feel very smooth and their scent drives me crazy. I wonder what they put on their bodies to make them feel and smell like that. Do you know since you are a dancer too?

curious
X:
Well most dancers like to use scented body lotions. It makes our skin soft, and it smells great too. Hey it also makes a nice gift! Victoria's Secret scents are very popular, as are Bath and Body Works products-hint hint

Nude booth dances
January 5, 1999

Q:
I am new to the scene and was curious about something. I recently bought a private booth dance at a nude club (in LA, won't mention name), and the dancer only partially removed her top and bottom. Although the mileage was pretty high, is it standard practice not to be completely nude? I would appreciate any comments or feedback. Thank you.
X:
While it depends on the girl, clubs state that a girl is considered nude as long as her breasts, rear, and "cookie" are exposed, regardless of whether she is still wearing clothes or not.

Keep in mind that a dancer who keeps some items on, may be trying to conceal some part of her body she isn't comfortable with (like cellulite). Sometimes dancers like leaving a little bit of clothes on because they can manipulate the clothes as part of their dance-then again, perhaps she could have used her top and bottom to conceal from the club the milage you recieved-get it?

Sometimes when I give a nude table dance and wear a string bikini, for example, I will usually leave the top on exposing my breasts and just take off the bottoms-this is only because it is a pain in the ass to tie the bikini top. I always ask the customer if he minds, and usually they don't. If he wants me to take it off then I take it off.

If you prefer the dancer be totally nude, go ahead and ask her (nicely) to remove all of her clothes. Hey, if you are paying for a nude dance-you should get a nude dance! If you are satisfied, regardless of her being completely naked or not, then sit back and enjoy the show-sometimes even just a teensy bit left to the imagination can be just a teensy bit more provocative!