Considering what a liberal community Santa Monica is, I've always wondered
why they didn't have more strip clubs. It's not because of a feminist "sexwork
is oppression" thing... they have massage parlors all over the place.
Well, about three weeks ago, I was driving up Pico, and I had car problems.
It was about 9 p.m. and most of the businesses were closed. If you've ever
driven the main streets in Santa Monica, you may have noticed that there
are lots of businesses that are true holes-in-the-wall: block or stucco walls,
with no window or storefronts, just a door. They have no signage, no indication
of what they are. I always assumed they were distributors, or some other
type of business that doesn't want the public walking in.
To my surprise, as I was looking for a phone booth, I noticed one of the
businesses had a number of people going in and out of it. I walked over to
see if they had a pay phone, and a guy at the door told me "Sure, straight
to the back."
I walked in, and got the surprise of my life: It was as though I'd walked
into a miniature version of Mon's
Venus! The place was only about 40 feet wide, and about 80 feet from
front to back. It was lit like a fairly nice club, and there were about 10
naked women walking around, on stage, and, most importantly, giving some
pretty hot looking laps!
After I recovered from my shock, I called the triple-A, and being told there
was a half-hour wait, decided to check out the club (duh).
To my surprise, a (nude) waitress came by and asked me if I wanted a beer.
Figuring it would be a Sharps or O'Douls non-alky beer, I said sure, and
then came the next shocker: She asked if I wanted foreign or domestic! I
still thought she was joking, so I ordered a Corona, and a few moments later,
she brought me one!!!
At that point, I had to stop her and ask her what the story was... To my
knowledge, beer and stripping aren't allowed in California.
It turns out that Santa Monica has perhaps the most unusual strip clubs laws
in California. Many of the laws date back to the early part of this century,
when the town was a hangout for rich, decadent people, and as the laws of
cities around them have changed, Santa Monica's laws have been "grandfathered
in."
What I found out from my lovely waitress (Clarissa, a blonde 20-year-old
art history major at Santa Monica College), is that clubs in Santa Monica
are all nude, allow lap dancing, and serve alcohol. Most are beer and wine,
but she said two of the older clubs have been around long enough that they
actually have full bars! City law states that the clubs may not under any
condition be open during daylight hours, so the time they open may vary during
the year. Generally, though, they don't open before 8 or 9 p.m. The clubs
are not allowed to advertise, may not have signs identifying them as clubs,
and cannot distribute cards or fliers. In fact, because of this, most of
the clubs don't even bother naming themselves. They must also be locally
owned, so that's why Deja Vu
and other corporations haven't gotten involved yet.
All dancers must register with the city, and they must have monthly health
exams. (weird, huh?) Clubs must close by 4 a.m., but they must stop serving
alcohol at 2 a.m. like everyone else. One weird rule is that although lap
dancing is allowed, no more than six dancers may be giving laps at any one
time. Stage shows that I saw were pretty explicit, but toys are not permitted,
and though the dancers could touch themselves anywhere, insertion of fingers
is not allowed... though of course, I saw this rule stretched pretty far
(pun intended!).
The cool thing is that the waitresses are nude, and also are available for
laps! (In fact any of the dancers also sell drinks... instead of the waitress
asking if you want to buy the lady a drink, a dancer will sit down and ask,
"Wanna buy me a drink? Wanna a lap dance?"
After pumping Clarissa for info, I felt I owed her one, so I bought her a
Bass Ale, and had her give me a lap... which turned into two or three....
Laps from Clarissa are HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
There was mock-everything, and a number of R&B artists (Stevie, Janet)
were simulated during our session. Wow.
Unfortunately, the Santa Monica clubs are feeling the heat of an election
year. State legislators and the ABC have never accepted the grandfather clauses
in Santa Monica's laws, and the clubs have been under constant pressure from
Sacramento to close. The state has now threatened to cut off funds to the
city, which depends on the state for money to help with their homeless problem.
This situation is about to go public in a big way, and the club owners are
afraid they will finally be shut down.
So, I'm not going to give any addresses, or any more specific info than what
is here. Die-hard clubbers will find these clubs; I've found three more since
my first experience. (Hint: So far, they have all been on streets that are
parallel to Pico.) Once you find one of them, they're pretty obvious, even
in the daytime.
Good luck!
Saxbeat <trane@scvnet.com>
CBS Inc., parent company of CBS Worldwide
Inc, has announced that it has completed a hostile takeover of Z Bone
Publishing. The sudden move was completely unexpected by Z Bone Publishing,
the publisher of Z Bone's LA Strip Club Connection website on the Internet.
According to reliable sources, TUSCL was also making a bid for a buyout at
the same time. CBS has announced that the takeover is complete and will take
effect immediately. CBS spokesperson, J. Layno stated, "We've been wanting
to expand our Internet presence and this is how we're going to do it. We're
going to expand the website to include reviews of clubs with TVs tuned to
CBS."
During the press conference, CBS spokesperson, Layno
proudly displayed their new logo, which will be used by all CBS affiliates
as well as all Z Bone Publishing entities. Mr. Layno further implied that
there maybe a Saturday morning Cartoon based on the now infamous Z Bone website.
"We don't want to show our hands before we play them but we are looking at
Pee Wee Herman to host the show", said Layno.
Z Bone Publishing also simultaneously
had a press conference at the Pantry in downtown, the location of a new nude
strip club (see related story), whereupon, Mr. Bone,
the publisher denied rumors that he would step down. There has been reports
that CBS will replace Mr. Bone with Dan Rather as the new editor and publisher
of the strip club website. To probing reporters, Mr. Bone remarked, "That
Rather is a closet PL and knows diddly about strip clubs and even less about
lap dancing. No way is he going to run my website." Dan Rather was not available
for comment. However, Mr. Rather's Public Relations firm released the following
statement: "Mr. Rather is not interested in making any drastic changes to
the website. He simply wants to add some nude pictures to improve the ratings."
In a related story, the host of the CBS
LateShow, David Letterman stated in his TV show that the "Top 5 Fave
Club" list on Z Bone's website will now be Lettermanized and become the "Top
10" list to conform to the TV show.
According to Letterman, "To show goodwill to that Bone guy, we'll say that
our home office is the Pantry in downtown Los Angeles. We're also going to
list his top 10 strip clubs in reverse order on the show." A Letterman
spokesperson stated, "As far as we know, Mr. Bone is supposed to come to
New York and review all the strip clubs here. Then, we're going to have Dave
go and get lap dances from all the dancers that give high mileage dances.
This should give us higher ratings than our Stupid Pet Tricks."
The owner of the landmark downtown Pantry
restaurant, Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan, held a press conference today
and announced that the Pantry will be converted to a nude strip club and
renamed The Live Flesh Club. The Mayor stated that because of the
investigative reporting by 
The exact circumstances of the arrest
was not immediately available. However, a dancer questioned by the arresting
officer was interviewed by CBS news. According to this eye witness,
during one of the lap dances, Mr. Bone had taken his clothes off and was
changing into what she refered to as the "Bob Smyth pajamas" and getting
a "non-mock 003." These dancer-bonics have not been decoded and police officers
are asking the public to help interpret the dancer's remarks.