Club Rating System

• These images indicate the type of club - bikini (no nudity), topless or nude. With very few exceptions, nude clubs cannot serve alcohol and are subject to different (and usually less restrictive) regulation.

• Range of physical attractiveness of the club's dancers. Of course this rating is highly subjective, and if anyone can think of a better way to do it I'm game to try. Generally when rating the dancers in a club, I'll focus on the best-looking half of the girls. As a general rule, night shift dancers are the better lookers.

• The Heat Meters are meant to give you an idea of how nasty the private dances are. No ratings are given for nastiness on stage, but generally stage shows are a little hotter in clubs with hotter private dances. There are seven Heat ratings, the lowest being look-but-don't-touch, the highest being more than I'll describe here. Day shifts tend to be hotter. As always, you mileage will vary.

• Attitude is everything. If we're playing the "here's $20, pretend you like me" game, make it convincing. A bunch of quick wannadance's will lower a club's rating. High-pressure wannadance's lower it a lot. For seven bucks a minute, she better at least remember my name.

• Strongly recommended; a must-see if you're in the area.

  Recommended; for a good time, call...

  Not recommended; not the worst possible rating, but I wouldn't waste my time there.

  Beyong hope; a club with no redeeming values whatsoever