| Features
& X-Video Stars |
Date: 3/19/2000 4:09pm |
 Name: Saxbeat <saxbeat@aol.com> |
| Subject: Nikki
Tyler, or what I want to see in a Feature |
I went to the
Rhino in Oxnard with a friend recently, and much to my
surprise, they were featuring Nikki Tyler. (At least, that's
what I think the DJ said.)
She came out at 8:45 or so, which surprised the hell out of
me, since I thought features only did 9 o'clock shows, and 9
o'clock shows start at 9:45 at the earliest. (Maybe it was her
6 o'clock show.) 
Anyway, Nikki comes out in a silver lame space costume that
looked like something that would be warn in a Star Trek
musical, as choreographed by Paula Abdul. It was basically as
if Edith Head had puked lame and it fell on Nikki.
She did one way-too-long song in that outfit, then stripped
down to a sheer/fishnet blouse and short-shorts for song #2.
For song three, she took off the botttoms, and for song #4,
she paraded around and handed out poster that were rolled up
and held between her thighs... guys had to "blow"
her to get the posters.
Nikki was energetic, she seemed sweet, and she definitely had
fans there.... but I couldn't help but yawn and ask my pal,
"Is there a school where they take sexy, hot, nasty porn
stars, and turn them into Stepford Features, or
something?" I came to the conclusion that a right-wing
fundamentalist runs the Feature School in the San Fernando
Valley, and is teaching porn actresses to do tame acts.
Whatever.
In response, I decided that I needed to put down Saxbeat's
rules for what a feature act should and should not do:
SHOULD NOT:
1. Don't wear a costume. If we wanted to see costumes, we'd go
to Disneyland and tip the rubberheads.
2. Don't dance to music that's out of character or old. Hey,
babe, let me tell you something: Dancing to REO Speedwagon
makes you seem about 50 years old. It's almost as bad as those
mom's screaming about Rick Springfield in the cell phone
commercial. And dancing to hip hop just makes you look silly.
"Pretty fly for a white girl..."
3. Don't hand out posters to the guy who makes the biggest
idiot of himself. Look, it's already obvious you despise your
fans... you're 45 minutes late to show up! So making your fans
act like shmucks so you can get some perverse glee/superior
out of of it is just dog-kicking, okay?
4. Speaking of despising your fans... don't act like you're
better than everyone in the club, okay? Even the sleaziest,
nastiest dancer at the club looks down on you, and the reason
most of the "fans" are there is because they've seen
you fuck hundreds of guys and want to see how old you look in
person.  So don't put on airs. And ESPECIALLY
don't treat the house dancers like crap, just because they are
naive (by your standards) and maybe don't even know what a
"fluffer" is.
5. Don't do the ingenue/society girl/cheerleader bit, prancing
around the stage. It's stupid when the house girls do it, and
it's worse when a porn star does it.
6. Don't have your roadie pick up your tips, unless you let
him keep them.
SHOULD:
1. Guys go to see a feature for one reason: They want to see a
girl who fucks for a living in person. They want to see her
act nasty. They want to see her display her talents that
they've come to know her for.
2. Come out for the first song naked. Cut the
"tease"... this isn't burlesque, and you aren't
Gypsy Rose Lee. Start your set naked, and work up (or down)
from there. Dance. If you can't dance, do nasty poses. Watch
the house girls, or better yet, ask them for tips. 90% of them
have more stage presence than you anyway.
3. For your second song, work with the crowd. Do whatever is
legally allowed. Climb down into the crowd... mess with guys.
Jump on their laps. Go crazy and pump up the volume.
4. Speaking of volume, pick some good porn music. Kid Rock,
Marilyn Manson, Jane's Addiction, Chili Peppers... something
high energy. If you want to be different, pick some Louis
Armstrong, some Miles Davis, or Combustible Edison.
5. For your third song, slow it down. It's time for some floor
work. Make us believe you are fucking Ron Jeremy, or whoever
your last co-star was. By the time you are done, there
shouldn't be a limp dick in the house. Moan, groan, and make a
lot of noise. If the local laws allow it, this is where you
can bring out some toys, or do a girl-girl show. Switch from
the porn music to Morcheeba or Portishead or Moby and take it
down a notch.
6. For your fourth song, bring the volume back up with
something hot again. If you really, really like hip hop, you
might try it here, but it will be obvious you're posing if you
don't know how to move to it. Hand out the posters at random.
Give some to the quiet guys who have been staring at you
longingly. Give some to the loud and vocal fans. Give some to
the big tippers.
7. Pick up your own tips, and thank your fans when you do.
8. If you're going to do laps, do real laps. There are few
things worse in a club than paying $50 for an air dance.
9. We don't expect you to start on time, but at least start
within the half hour.
That's it. If more features followed these simple rules, I
might actually one day see one that I enjoyed.
Please feel free to add some rules of your own!
Saxbeat |
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