Inventor Sues Strip Clubs Over Lap Dance Patent

April 1, 2008

A Los Angeles based law firm is representing an inventor who claims to have a business model patent for strip club procedures.  Oppenmiflai & Puttain Patent Law Firm LLC (OPPLF) has brought lawsuits against all the major strip club chains as well as some of the smaller ones, and asking for damages as well as a percentage of future revenue.

According to Roger Diamond, an attorney representing several clubs, this new patent was awarded in January 2008, and protects the business model for lap dances, including "procedures for calculation and collection of the lap dance revenue", and the methods of counting and tracking lap dances.  Amazingly, the patent even includes types of couches, chairs and booths used for lap dances, as well as lap dancing techniques used by strippers.  One lap dance technique known as "Stick Shifting" is included in this patent, according to Diamond.

"This patent is completely ridiculous and will be thrown out when we take this thing to court," says Diamond.  According to Diamond, this law firm has filed similar lawsuits against other industries, including consumer electronics and computer firms and have been allowed to flourish and flying under the radar because it's cheaper for the firms to pay than to fight in court.

"If we allow this to continue, this law firm will have a patent on going to the bathroom," quipped Diamond.  Accordingly, the strip club industry has come together to fight this in court and have created a fund called "Fight the Lap Dance Patent."

The law firm OPPLF was not available for comment for this article before press but a public relations firm stated that the patent was covered by "U.S.C. 187" and that the firm will win all their pending cases.

New Anti-torture Law May Affect Lap Dances

April 1, 2008

In a surprise change of policy, President Bush did not veto a new law that would make 48 interrogation techniques to be newly classified as acts of torture, and thus illegal.  This means that the new bill will become law as of January 2009.  Some of the techniques now considered torture are: Water boarding, attention slap, freezing cell, forced rap music, and groin crushing.

Of special interest to readers is the groin crushing interrogation technique, now considered torture.  According to a strip club industry representative, Dr. Willy Plizphusit, this new law may affect how lap dances are performed.

"This anti-torture law may seem like the right thing to do on the surface, but it has larger implications.  After examining the small print, I have concluded that the law may prohibit strippers from performing lap dances where the dancer lightly steps on the groin area of the patron," says Dr. Plizphusit.  "Some customers have fetishes which will become considered torture and thus illegal after this law comes into effect," claims Dr. Plizphusit.

This illustration from the anti-torture bill shows "groin crushing" which is now illegal.

Lap dances such as this may also become illegal.

No representative from the Bush administration, the CIA, or State Department returned calls from zbone.me regarding how this bill would affect lap dances, if at all.

Vatican Adds Lap Dances to List of Mortal Sins

April 1, 2008

Monsignor Franclimai Groinichi said in an interview published on Sunday by the Vatican's daily newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, that known mortal sins increasingly manifest themselves as behavior that damages society as a whole.

Groinichi, the Vatican official, listed drugs, pollution and genetic manipulations as well as social and economic injustices as new areas of sinful behavior.

Catholic teaching distinguishes between lesser, so-called venial sins, and mortal sins.  The deadly sins are in contrast with venial sins - relatively minor sins that can be forgiven.  A person that commits a mortal sin risks burning in hell unless absolved through confession and penitence.

When asked to list the new areas of sinful behavior, Groinichi denounced "certain violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments, genetic manipulations, and sexual torture."  When asked what would be considered sexual torture, Groinichi listed lap dances as one such example.

Since the published interview, Monsignor Groinichi has clarified his statement in yet a second TV interview, saying that when he listed lap dances, he was referring to "ultra high mileage lap dances, especially nude ones," which are now considered mortal sins by the Vatican.

Monsignor Groinichi added that people will have to decide for themselves what type of lap dances will be acceptable in their lives and that the church will guide them in the right direction, away from ultra high mileage lap dances.