Date: Tue 9/9/2003 10:07 AM
From: Lily
Subject: An alternative for dancers and their fans from a Hollywood exotic dancer and writer

Hey Zbone

My name is Lily from Jumbo's Clown Room since 1996. You have a letter printed from "Suzy", a dancer who uses this stage name. My real name is Suzy. Please include my letter so that I can set the record straight about how I really feel about this buisiness, so full of beauty and people coming together for higher purposes than just titilation. Thanks for the opportunity to share my womens guide to sexual temptation by knowing ourselves and becoming whole and escaping pornography.

What leads a woman to accept social messeges encouraging immoral, indecent behavior? This will cover the role society plays in shaping our values. It will give a reason for women to stand up for how they want to be treated and can be treated if they believe in the rightness and responsibility of their own personal values. Discover how to do a moral observation and learn your own personal path to rediscovery of healthy sexual beliefs and attitudes.

What messege did we first receive about sex? Did it come from a media messege that uses tired standards and weak values to get the attention of, attract and draw in a croud hungry for intimacy, closeness and fulfillment? Or was it told to you, probably inaccurately, by a child only slightly more aware than yourself? Did you observe your parents feelings for one another as the standard that may not agree with our best interests or highest potential? Or worse yet, were you lead into sexual situations before an appropriate age by an older person or relative who mistook your youthful impressionism for willingness? Was it a boyfriend or girlfriend who had their own temptations in your presense? Or were the sexual messeges sent to you happening subtly by a society where attention is given to those with sexual attractiveness and those standards were unconsciously or consciously adopted by you and lead to inappropriate attention and attatchments?

Let this be a guide to your awareness of your own unique needs and goals reguarding one of the most precious and potentially life altering sources of awareness and feeling - your sexual self.

Today, the values of the Hollywood media explosion are shaping the worlds values. Premarital sex, pornography, sexually attractive attire and grooming, and the belief that sexual fulfillment leads to life satisfaction are the norms of a lost lot. With help, turn your sensuality and longing into a respect for your deepest need - the love and closeness of a person who cares about and can share your values. Learn to respect all our needs and provide a foundation for hope and change in a world where we are all the product of a long line of ancestors whose sexual choices lead to our actual existence.

We will discuss the presentation of our appearances and how we shape and mold them to fit the standard that seems acceptable in a hedonistic society. We can learn to respect our deepest values and present them on the outside.

Discover how the nature of the senses, the sights, sounds, and feelings of our sexual selves influence one anothera and deepen our understanding of our need to respect eachother and ourselves. Music, movies, magazines and tv can all seek to stimulate, sensationalize and exploit our deepest needs for love, fulfillment and attatchment. Learn about self exploration and the possibility of acting out sexually by ourselves and those behaviors that can accompany it such as fantasy, visualization or the use of pornography and there affects on us. Finally we will learn about the forms of sexual relationships and how our expectation and beliefs need to reflect our true nature and not society's hope for us to conform to an unhealthy sexual attitude.

I am a single woman with the history of journaling since a young child. With awareness, insight and experience, sharing beliefs of our own need to honor each unique value in us and eachother is crucial to a healthy self and a more appropriate society. After years of struggling with relationship obsession and sexual emptiness, using real life experiences to explore human nature and deeper needs, there is the discovery of our true worth and obligation. Having been through a psychology bachelors degree program, counseling from various sources as well as avid reading of ways to health and well being, learn how the personal experiences of deep involvement in the singles night life scene and work and study as an exotic dancer has lead to deeper understanding of human values and our need for God's values and biblical understanding if we are to extricate lost sexual values from our society and see how it has lead to our potential downfall.

What are sexual values? They are age appropriate, individually unique and changing over a life time. They are affected by how we see ourselves in relation to how others see us. They include how we view and treat our sexual needs.

What expectations from others in reguard to our sexual nature influenced our choices? Were we taught to ignore, exploit or preserve our sexual needs and feelings?

Let me share my unique experience with you. Remember the movie Grease and the character Sandy's attempt to get the attention of the boy Danny she liked? She dressed up seductively in skin tight black clothes, sexy hair and makeup and high heels instead of her normal school girl long skirt, loafers, button up blouse, pony tail and no makeup? I wanted to be that sexy character for Holloween in third grade, and mom made me a pair of tight black pants. l'd raw photos of sexy women because they were pretty. Sometimes I would fantasize about an unknown boy spying in my bedroom and I would fantasize about being kissed. I remember playing dress up with a friend. We were "hookers". We would put on makeup and tight, small clothes, and I didn't know much more about their lifestyle than that. I realize now my friend at the time seemed to be influenced by an older brother who may have exposed her to sexual information. At the age of 8 or 9, we found his pornography magazines that were hardcore, and I left the room to satisfy myself, having already stumbled upon this ability on my own. I can still see those images in my mind to this day over 20 years later. I remember having seen nude magazines my friendand I found in her garage that belonged to her dad. No wonder the yound son had been exposed to that material. I used to want to touch myself and look, and I tried to tell my friend about touching her body when we would look. Then I wanted privacy from her so we could each look and touch ourselves in private. There was no nudity or sexual touching of eachother, but we did used to cuddle and kiss with closed mouths, and we hid it from our parents. Once when she tried to open mouth kiss me I asked her to stop and discontinued the kissing. One time I remember wanting to hide under the bushes so God couldn't see us kiss from up above. I felt guilty. I realize now she may have had serious molestation issues at home. I remember her parents discovering our having looked at the magazines of nude women and telling my parents and telling us we had to stop and removing the magazines from the garage. I was a little embarassed but this action did little to address the "problem" - inappropriate supervision and exposure to sexual material.

Growing up, I was not interested in sex but found God at age 11 through being born again and inviting Jesus into my heart. It was my older sister who prayed with me and lead me on this path, having been on her own rough course to truth and health. I wanted to wait for marriage for sex. I read the bible without a lot of understanding at the time and prayed to God with gratitude. My stuffed animals kept me company. Some sexual material I would be exposed to growing up would ignite a fire in me I had to put out myself. I learned to visualize for stimulation and this was how I would bring myself relief as I touched.

At age 13, the first boy I laid down with had already had a girlfriend and was interested in me. I had already been involved in the teen dance club scene and the influence of older kids who smoked and drank. By laying down, I mean we kissed and pressed our bodies together. He rubbed himself on me in our clothes and I had my first orgasm that was not happening by myself. I immediately felt guilty in the eyes of God. I was lost.

"Making out" with boys was a popular preoccupation for me. The one that became my first boyfriend to have sex with told me no one would wait for me to have sex until marriage and he would break up with me if I didn't do it. I finally gave in. He had already had a sexual relationship. The pain I endured that night lead me to scream and bleed heavily and I let him use my body for his own pleasure while I laid there suffering, but there was also pleasure with the pain. I used to count the times we did it and stopped counting when it reached over 100.

My boyfriend at that time had his own issues with past molestation by a woman and was turned off to giving me pleasure. I used to beg him to do the things that I needed for sexual relief and usually he wouldn't. He was also not the healthiest guy and did not know how to treat me well. It was an abusive relationship. I was only 16 when we started "doing it".

One time, without a lot of parental supervision, we got a hotel. We were already spending the night together in his car regularly without my parents awareness. The hotel had adult movies and I was able to have my firs orgasm with my boyfriend while watching it. I was introduced to vibrators there. Since we were around drugs like marijuana and amphetamine, I got in tha habit of using marijuana, which lead to depression. Occasional experimentation with amphatamine brought me into the habit of "marathon masterbation". It was an excape from the discomfort. I would ask my boyfriend to join me but he wasn't interested.

At age 19 the next boyfriend I had considered my sexual needs much more and I enjoyed our sex life. However, I was setting a stage for lack of emotional intimacy with my sex partners, having gotten involved with him right away before we knew eachother well.

At age 21 I was back on my own and a string of sexual flings. All of the boyfriends I had I seemed to attract with my looks. It was a superficial connection and I would let myself be chosen by who wanted me and my attraction would develop.

Being in the teen club scene and growing up relatively close to Hollywood, glamour and sexuality were what I wanted to express with my looks, as well as dressing to sexually stimulate. My amazing mother allowed me to wear heavy makeup, dye my hair and dress provocatively since junior high. She herself had a somewhat poor upbringing with few social choices and even less clothes, so she spoiled me with leniency. Dad used to say to not wear all that stuff on my face, but he was not enforcing it or discussing the values behind it. I am grateful for their allowance for me to go my own way and learn from my mistakes so as to learn the lessons I have and mature and share those lessons with others.

I became an exotic dancer and depended on it for my survival (income), attention and approval. I used my visual presentation and impression to attract men and entertain them with my love for dance, music and sensual expression to earn tips. The variety of people I worked for and with helped me learn about others and the reasons why we did this to ourselves. The men looked and (sometimes) spent and the women catered to them.

These days the exotic dancing craze is huge. Women frequent the clubs sometimes in greater numbers than men in Hollywood and it is the social standard for many. Many customers have no clue we are simply earning a living or have adapted to receiving attention in this manner, it is not our normal bahavior to strip, but it is a role we believe we are expected to play.

Beautiful clothes and grooming are one thing, but looks meant to sexually stimulate are another and are taking over as the standard of society. My concern is largely for the children we are raising. I was exposed to nudity in the home as natural and normal and in no way sexual, so it helped me to be more comfortable showing my body to strangers, wanting to express acceptance, comfort and peace with our bodies.

It is no longer appropriate for me to get attention by trying to arouse with my looks, and I still struggle with the expectations others have for me to do so and my own habits of doing it for attention. I have a higher calling to educate others of the dangers involved and the disrespect to ourselves and others. I have been too hurt too many times by men whose primary focus is their sensual and sexual satisfaction and receiving it in the arms (or legs) of a beautiful woman. They had little concern for other values such as raising our awareness of our lot in life and our responsibility to manage and preserve our enlightenment and existence. God relies on us to guard and nourish our home, earth and beyond. As a united race, people on earth can come together in this information age to get along and preserve what nature inteneds for us - growth, life and rebirth.

Lust. I would see it in their eyes and mistake it for love. It was attention I craved and fed off. And if their interest in me was limited to that then I would do what I could to satisfy them and keep their attention. It didn't work. They became more voracious. I would often meet men in the strip clubs and I would love to socialize and many of them enjoyed this, too. But many would lose interest in the "stripper" me immediately because their primary focus was visual and superficial and they learned about the real me and it ruined their fantasy. I remember one man said he would like a private dance with me before his fantasy was ruined by getting to know me the person. Those people who enjoyed socializing with me are the ones I've had a meaningful connection with, and the visual presentation of me was simply an asset (or on a bad day it was a hinderance). I am just an average,somewhat pretty woman in relatively good health who loves life and people and struggles like everyone else, so I enjoyed getting to know some of the customers beyond their stares and looks. I can tell a lot about people by observing behavior, but the ones who really wanted to know me and not just see me or be with me to show off their egos were very appreciated. My problen was I was in the wrong environment and doing the wrong behaviors to meet the kinds of people who want meaningful friendships and relationships. However, there is always hope and progress to be made in any type of environment and I am grateful for continuing to reach out to peoples hearts and care for them in places where exploitation of ourselves and others is a common practice for the dancers, club owners and customers.

Where are our values? When did fulfillment of the senses become a way of life and convenence and greed beat out our responsibility to preserve our environment and our very lives? What has lead us to addictions like alcohol, drugs and pornography that exclude a chance for children to grow up in a wholesome and innocent environment?

Tv has been spoiled. Healthy entertainment and educational shows are interrupted with material of a graphic nature that has desensitized our society as a whole. Sex and violence are more popular every day, but there is still a huge demand for more appropriate entertainment that is uplifting and acceptable for people of all ages.

The music today has a lot of "horny" sounding people singing about sensuality and power over others and the things we do to influence one another. Kids are getting the messege through music and videos that sex sells and people are buying. Kids are a part of the culture that emphasizes our own ego gratification and apperances over deeper values like self respect, respect for one another and honoring God's wish for us to bring eachother closer to Him. It is because the alternatives to sexually stimulating entertainment are disapperaing. The media will exploit us and tempt us to accept and crave material that is sexually suggestive to the point of a sick society that abuses it's children and ignores peoples deeper needs for God's ideas of love for us.

If you are reading this please help speread God's messege of love and forgiveness for us and a need for a pure world where children are born because of love and respect of two people fore eachother, not just their sexual acting out and the resulting consequence of a human life that may even be ternimated. resulting in a lost soul that didn't get a chance at life.

Masterbation. I had a boyfriend who left me feeling sexually fulfilled in some important ways. He himself could not also be satisfied sexually by me, and I later discovered he had adapted to receiving stimulation from pornography and self gratification. He relied on that and I relied on him. I told a girlfriend how nice it was to receive pleasure from him instead of having to fantasize to bring myself to arousal and satisfaction. I ended up getting so jealous of that boyfriend and others like him who were comfortable with their private visual habits and leaving me feeling inadequate and left out. I had no tolerance for his imagery and felt enraged that I was not enough for this person and he had to hurt me by letting me observe his taste for womens bodies who were different from my own. I also discovered his amphetamine habit which could have fueled his desire to masterbate for relief.

During times of breakup, it would be hard to have sexual pleasure alone again after I was so used to having it done to me by a partner. I would miss him and feel hurt and not want to go back to picturing stimulating images in my mind.

My insatiable senses lead me to crave viewing and start purchasing adult videos. My excitement level would rise and masterbation would be the release, and it was more stimulating than my imagination. The orgasm, "la petit morte" in French or "the little death", I understood too well. Each orgasm drained me of vitality and energy because it was coming from an exhausting source of arousal. I was depressed by it. I would throw each video away and keep purchasing more to throw away. Now those pornographic images are etched in my memory as a source of struggle to forget and understand why I would be excited by something I wanted no part of and found offensive.

Pornography exists because of womens allowance of the use of their bodies in exchange for money or survival. It is a form of legal prostitution, the actors are paid for sex. The other reasons people act in them are history of sexual abuse, low self worth, desperate values about money, people pleasing, and sexual addictions. Some just experiment. Many are drug addicts.

Many drug habits go hand in hand with pornography, sex addiction and masterbation. These behaviors become an escape from emotional and physical pain from not dealing with our need for a physically healthy lifestyle, good mental health, a healthy social network and spreading God's love with our thoughts and behaviors.

Prostitution. Many of us sell our services in exchange for money at jobs and in relationships. People using their sexual selves to profit financially to a standard they accept but do not want or agree with. The act and financial exchange are a substitute for true intimacy and love.

Many people involved in sexual acting out are so deeply hurt that they avoid closeness and intimacy to avoid the pain they feel. Feelings and emotions must be expressed or they will express themselves in twisted ways. Counseling with someone experienced with the details of the problem that uses biblical references and a supportive network of people who also understand can be sources of help and hope. Prayer, accountability to others who understand and can help, and the pursuit of good health in our minds, hearts, bodies, environment and loved ones are also necessary to get out of the situation. Crucial also are anger management and assertiveness training so we can discover our needs and go about meeting them appropriately.

To barter our values for attention and sensual gratification are detrimental to our sense of self worth and self love and can cause resentment towards those involved in the exchange. Learn to stand up for your needs and view others as responsible for their own needs. Our obligations are to keep ourselves well, care well for our children and loved ones, and let people be responsible and accountable for their own needs.

Please help stop the exploitation of others. Realizing willing participants in an abusive situation such as allowing unwanted sexual attention in exchange for possible tips or attention are doing a learned behavior that is not in their best interest. A stripper does it for money and has learned to get attention this way, same as a prostitute and a pornographic actor. Please help eachother express ourselves sexually the way God intended us to as the bible states. People who do desire sexual attention that does not involve emotional intimacy or God's wish for us can be helped to discover the source of their needs and their true purpose and path to fulfillment.

Sincerely, Lily from Jumbo's Clown Room,
loved170@hotmail