Recently, I had
an opportunity to meet with and interview the World's Oldest
Strip Club Customer. He is more than twice as old as Benn, and
he is even older than JW. He had a lot of wisdom, and as we
sat and spoke over a Guinness Stout at the Sport's Page, he
agreed to answer my questions. He began with a simple
statement that he requested I include at the beginning of the
interview.
"I am the world's oldest strip club customer. I've been
lurking since before the Internet was invented. I've seen all
the great strippers of history, from Frosty to Sally Rand to
Batsheba. I've watched customers over the centuries, from sad,
pathetic Philistines to tough, pathetic Forty-Niners at the
brothels in Calaveras County, to the Sumo Krewe. I've seen it
all, and I've done it all, twice. I've got the answers for all
your questions."
---
Q: World's Oldest Strip Club Customer, is it possible to date
a dancer?
A: Yes. Carbon dating works best.
---
Q: WOSCC, where are the nastiest dancers?
A: For nasty-nasty, San Francisco's Market Street Cinema
cannot be beat. For nice-nasty, Baghdad-by-the-Bay's Mitchell
Bros. Theater is the cat's pajamas. It is incredible to me
that in a town where guys are constantly seaching for great
mileage and beautiful women, that more guys don't just hop in
their cars and drive 6 hours to the second-best city in
America.
---
Q: WOSCC, where can I have the most fun in a strip club?
A: Vegas, baby! It's not as nasty as San Francisco, but the
clubs are much more fun. And where else can you get $1.99
steak and eggs breakfast buffet? Hotels are cheap during
off-peak, and the airfare on Southwest with Internet specials
is less than the cost of a half hour in the VIP room at DVNH.
If you weren't so pathetic and lazy, you would go every
weekend.
---
Q: WOSCC, I have to stay in L.A. to care for my ailing pet
bassett hound, Rikki. Don't you have any good local clubs?
A: Good mileage can be found in all of the clubs in LA, except
Bare Elegance and 4Play. If you aren't getting it, it's
because 1) you're too ugly; 2) you're too pushy and obnoxious;
3) you're too pathetic and a turn-off; 4) you are
pathologically attracted to bitches; or 5) all of the above.
---
Q: WOSCC, how do I avoid the "buy the lady a drink"
scam?
A: Get some balls, and learn to say, "Thanks, but
no." This scam only works because weak pathetic losers
feel a need to "be nice" and say yes, or worse ARE
AFRAID they will not impress the lady if they say no.
"But she needs to make quota," some whiners will
say. My answer is, "And this is your concern
because....?"
---
Q: WOSCC, who killed Horace McKenna?
A: John Patrick Sheridan, with the assistance of OJ Simpson
and legal help from Robert Blake.
---
Q: WOSCC, what is the funniest thing you ever heard in a club?
A: I was in the booth with a dancer who pulled some liquid
soap out of her purse, whipped "it" out, and went to
work. At the predictable conclusion of her duties, she looked
at me with mock horror, batted her eyes, and said,
"Honest, officer, I was just cleaning it when it went
off!"
---
Q: WOSCC, aren't you too old to go to clubs?
A: What the hell does that mean? Is there some age at which
I'm supposed to stop being attracted to beautiful women? Let's
face it, every species on the planet is hard-wired to
reproduce at all costs. Young women are the genetic equivalent
of flames, and men of all ages are moths. We will be attracted
to babes even if it causes our destruction. On the other side
of it, women are hard-wired to at some point in their lives
want the strength and protection that only a wiser man can
offer. Somewhere in Washington, D.C., there is a busty, nubile
and wanton intern pining away that Strom Thurmond is retiring.
It's all good.
---
Q: WOSCC, are strip clubs harmful to women, or to society in
general?
A: You been sleeping with Gloria Steinem, creep? Women that
are damaged by clubs were damaged long before they got there.
A society damaged by strip clubs is too fragile to preserve
anyway. Old men paying money for the attention of young girls
in strip clubs is much better than old men leaving their wives
to pursue real relationships with young girls, old men going
to TJ to fuck young girls, or old men becoming senators to
take advantage of young girls. Only in the strip club do the
young girls have a chance to protect and look after
themselves, and to get something out of the relationship.
---
Q: WOSCC, is lap dancing prostitution?
A: If it's any good, yes.
---
That is the end of my interview with the World's Oldest Strip
Club Customer. He is available to answer more questions, if
you have them.
Saxbeat |
