ALS' Take on ASSCon-1.1

ASSCON-1.1 Warmup
Sunday June 2

DougLee, dpletche, and I make our way to Bob's Classy Lady at 11pm. Hmmm, interesting atmosphere. Cold and empty. Cold waitress, too. Not a club conducive to ASSCing.

[I miss "home" already...]

But as with any club, it's all about the Dancers. A shame that only 1 Dancer was worth approaching the stage to watch, JESSICA.

JESSICA, Half Native American/Half "doesn't matter 'cause she's FINE!", 5'4", 110, brown hair, brown eyes, a voice of confidence, somewhat street-wise.

DougLee to JESSICA - He sat at the stage to watch you, and he NEVER sits at the stage.

ASSCon-1.1, Monday 6/03

Sam's Hofbrau, 3pm-7:30pm. Z Bone (excellent host), Saxbeat (e-mail), DougLee, Dodger1, Nicholas ASSCer #200, CJSmith, and ALS ASSCing over food and drink courtesy of our excellent host!

SOPHIA (e-mail) is a hard-edged, hard-nosed, sharp, been-around, not-shy-to-say-anything, LA Dancer, who can do some serious chin-ups. BF'dD's in love.

"Sam's, the only SC in LA with a fish." Good thing I didn't bet SOPHIA $50 the DJ would say that.

[I really miss "home" now...]

Whoa, that's really LOIS AYRES the porn star? She's a Sam's regular? WOW! Where's Bubba when you need him?

ALS - Don't I know you?

SASHA - YESSSS!! Take me home to SF, please please please please please!!!

ALS - Sure, I'm going back Wed morning.

SASHA - I have no place to stay.

ALS - Don't worry. I'll get you set up, and your job back.

SASHA - Damn, I can't be ready that fast.

DJ - Keep it down over there.

ASSCers - BF the DJ!!

ASSC Bylaws, Item 1, Paragraph 1: Any ASSCer discovered to be a DJ is hereby immediately expelled from the group, without recourse, and waives any and all rights to appeal. heh heh...

["Home" is calling me... and SASHA...]

Onward to Deja Vu in N. Hollywood, 8pm to 1:30am. Monday is Amateur Night.

(Deja Vu'ing the DJ thread: "Yep, they're obnoxious!")

The moment Contestant #3 stepped out onto the stage from the curtain, I couldn't help but stand up and shout "WINNER!" When she finished her set, I shouted "GAME OVER!" The rest of the ASSCers joined in and sure enough, she won! Ah yes, ASSC is a force greater than Contestant #2's Peanut Gallery.

Her name was BROOKE, and She was Drop-Dead FINE, but She was a royal, conceited BITCH.

Deja Vu... Oh, I meant C'est la vie...

[It ain't like this back "home"...]

There were a few other SUPER-FINE looking Dancers worth mentioning, MADISON, TAMI, and SHAY-LYNN (Tues Day-Shift).

SHAY-LYNN was the most personable Dancer of the trio. But what really needs mentioning is what happens during the breaks. The waitresses get up on stage to clean the poles and mirrors.

A wise man once told me: The stage tells.

Tonight was no different, for I have just witnessed the most beautiful life form in Los Angeles. Her spirit and demeanor appeared poetic by nature. I was only brave enough to ask a different waitress what her name is.

Terry (appearing behind me) - Waiting for your friends?

ALS (startled) - Huh? Oh yeah, they're trying to get Shannon's phone #.

Terry - So what's your name?

ALS - (......)

Terry - Do you speak Cantonese?

ALS - A little.

Terry - (says a couple of phrases that cause both of us to laugh)

ALS - Where did you learn that?

Terry - My best friend is Chinese.

ALS (shaking like a leaf inside) - So, can I...

Terry - Sure, and my real name is Orit (o-reet').

ALS - *sigh* You having such a beautiful name doesn't surprise me. You're from...

ORIT - ...I'm Israeli.

ALS - [rapid heartbeat]

(ORIT: Like a species of iris found in the south of Europe, of which has the scent of violets. If that isn't the correct translation, it should be.) My eyes were locked on her all night, as I transported our souls beyond this place.

tacea la notte placida	it was a peaceful quiet night,
e bella in ciel sereno,	and in the clear sky
la luna il viso mostrava	the moon showed her face
lieto e pieno...	full and bright...
suonar per l'aere	through the air
dolci s'udiro e flebili	were heard the sweet sad sounds
gli accordi d'un liuto...	of a lute...
in quella ripeteasi un nome...	and in it, one name recurred...
orit.	orit.
al cor, al guardo estatico	to my heart, to my ecstatic gaze,
la terra un ciel sembro...	earth seemed heaven itself...

["Home", where's that...?]

The Day After, Tuesday 6/04

3pm - Bob's Classy Lady.

Once again, cold and empty. *yawn* Nap time. Oh yeah, Saxbeat and BF'dD had a good time.

[I'd be warm back "home"...]

5:45pm - Deja Vu.

Deja Vu all over again, sans beauty. Since it's 2-fer Tuesday, let's see what we can find for BF'dD on the stage...

ALS - Now THAT girl is gonna be NASTY! She gave you the "second-eye".

BF'dD - She did?

ALS - Didn't you notice?

BF'dD - No.

ALS - *smack* Go get her.

BF'dD - Uhhh... ok.

A wise man once told me: The stage tells.

11:00pm - The Spearmint Rhino.

I thought Bob's was cold... at least the Rhino was a good size, ASSC'able. I've met some cocky bouncers before, and if there was a contest for this kind of thing, these guys would take the trophy in a half-moment.

[Take me "home"... NOW!]

Met another MADISON, another FINE Madison that is! Are all MADISON's, like, total personable babes in LA? "As if!"

ALS - Hey MADISON, guess what I am?

MADISON - (laughing hysterically) I give up, what are you?

ALS - A Spearmint Rhino!

MADISON - (more laughing)

Yes Saxbeat, I professed my love for BF'dD. HEATHER would NOT go away.

HEATHER - Would you like a 2-for-1?

BF'dD (valiantly trying to save me) - He doesn't like girls.

ALS - Yeah. He's my boyfriend.

HEATHER - Where are you guys from?

BF'dD - SF

HEATHER - I guess it's contagious up there.

ALS - Uhhh... I don't get it... what is?

(HEATHER still lingering...)

ALS - I'm a homosexual, he's (BF'dD) bisexual, and he's (dpletche) BF'dD's best friend, but he's a homophobe.

HEATHER - Huh?

ALS - She didn't get it guys. I guess it's contagious down here.

Not-The-Way-To-Receive-The-Dancer-Of-The-Month-Nomination Technique #1:

SUMMER - Hey guys, I need $8 more to meet my drink quota. Well?

ALS - (having more fun picking my nose while ignoring her mercenary like comment and attitude)

SUMMER - (lays a dollar bill on the table, and chooses the wrong vocabulary to further her cause) See, it's just a measly amount and the 4 of you can split it.

ALS - Ok.

So I tore the dollar bill in 4 and gave each ASSCer their share. I burned my quarter into a piece of black ash and flicked the ash onto the carpet. The look on SUMMER's face was a Kodak Moment.

A wise man once told me: The stage tells.

SUMMER & Saxbeat - Hey, isn't that illegal?

ALS - Nope, because it was mine.

[When're we going "home"... soon...? Wait, hold that thought...]

Since I'm not an englitch major and never took a college englitch course, I like to make up my own definitions so at least "I" know what I'm talking about.

SOPHIA: Elegant. Refined. Graceful. Fluid. Sophistication. Beauty.

WARNING: Dancers choosing this name had better be worthy. Nature can be merciless to those whom are not.

ALS - Would you consider Dancing in...

SOPHIA - Sure, I have a friend that lives...

ALS - Does she...

SOPHIA - She sure does. She used the name... do you...?

ALS - Oh my god!... she dances at "...."

SOPHIA - That's her! We've been best friends since...

ALS - She's in LA right now and will be here for...

SOPHIA - I can't call her because I lost her...

ALS - Here... I'm sure she'll be excited to hear from you again...

[We can go "home" now...]

ALS