1. How did you get this gig?
2. How much does this exalted position pay?
3. What types of clubs does Texas have?
4. What are you’re qualifications for this position?
5. Will you use Z Bone’s rating scale and system?
6. What are the tipping practices in Texas?
7. What is the best day and time to visit a topless club?
8. Why not just get single laps from various dancers?
9. Do you date dancers?
10. Do you always follow your own advise?
11. Will you answer Email?

How did you get this gig?

I received this auspicious assignment only after an arduous and exhausting competition with hundreds of other potential correspondents.

How much does this exalted position pay?

Sometimes it is not the pay but the power, prestige, and benefits of a position. There is an old story that probably best answers this question. A Grandfather was explaining to his Grandson the conditions of the Great Depression of the 30’s. The Grandfather described his first job working in a burlesque theater operating the stage curtain and catching the stripper’s costumes as they tossed them back stage. The Grandson asked, "What was the pay for a job like that?". The Grandfather replied that it was one dollar per day. The Grandson said, "Gee, a dollar per day is not very much". The Grandfather then said, "Son, you have to understand that there was a depression and one dollar a day was all I could afford".

What types of clubs does Texas have?

Generally, Texas has two types, nude clubs and topless clubs. Being more direct and less sophisticated than our "left coast" brothers bikini clubs are virtually none existent. There may be one out there somewhere in a repressed little anal burg, but I doubt it.

The nude clubs are pretty much the same. No alcohol, no touching, all the usual rules, but since the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (TABC) has no jurisdiction; enforcement is left up to city and county vice squads. Rules get bent. At these clubs YMWV is definitely the rule of the day. These clubs have $10, $20, or $25 covers and offer reduced food and/or free buffets at certain times to induce attendance. For the most part, they tend to be upscale establishments.

The topless clubs generally come in three varieties depending on their proximity to residential areas, schools, etc. First, is the pasties and full back clubs. Next are the latex and quarter back clubs. Finally, there are the bare nipples and g-string/t-back clubs. In years past the city attempted to confine topless clubs to certain areas with restrictions concerning schools, churches and residential areas. Now that they have them all compacted they are now attempting to limit them with restrictions on their proximity to other adult businesses. There are only a few g-string/t-back clubs left. As they close, new clubs don’t seem to be able to meet the licensing requirements due to new restrictions.

What are you’re qualifications for this position?

I’ve been visiting strip and topless clubs all around the world for over thirty years. I snuck into Jack Ruby’s place on Commerce Street in Dallas to see Chris Colt and her fabulous 45s when I was sixteen. Two years later I bribed my way into the Star Light Showbar in Houston to see Lee Sharon whom I’d seen in a Playboy. I’ve been around the world three times, visiting topless bars from Subic Bay and Bangkok to Morocco and Puerto Rico. In the States, I’ve been to clubs in fifteen states. I’m just a regular guy who appreciates a pretty woman shaking her t*ts and moving her ass in sync to the beat.

Will you use Z Bone’s rating scale and system?

Absolutely! Of course they will be subject to my interpretations and biases.

Club: The physical characteristics and amenities are not very important to me. I look for comfortable seating, efficient waitresses, frigid air conditioning, and coooold beer. I also look for location and parking. I generally don’t care anything about DJ’s or music. I agree with one of Z Bone’s readers who said, "Music? They play music?" One of the best times I ever had was just outside Mexicali, Mexico. The club had a dirt floor and an old 50’s ventage jukebox, which the dancers plied with quarters they mooched off the customers.

Dancers: Definitely my primary concern. After all that’s what I go to a topless club for anyway. I look for the total package. Dance ability, body, face, performance, conversational ability, personality, moves, body art, and modifications. I am not a big fan of silicone and saline. I am an ass and leg man. How she moves it, shakes it, and swings it will get her a far better rating from me than all the silicone on the world.

Attitude: I’m 100% with Z Bone on this one.

Nasty Factor: I would add acting ability to Z Bone’s criteria. I know its acting but I just don’t want to know its acting while she’s doing it.

What are the tipping practices in Texas?

Usually tipping is optional at the discretion of the patron. In some small clubs the dancer will tour the room after her set, but this practice is becoming less common with time. Most customers tip $1 to $2 a song or at a minimum $1 to $2 per set. Laps and table dances are generally $20 but are up to the dancer at most clubs. Some clubs advertise 2 for 1 during certain times and others $10 dances during certain hours. It has been by observation that these "El cheapo" dances are substandard. I personally use a system of picking the top five of six dancers on the shift and tip them every time they go up on stage. I always tip a dancer sitting with me $5 or $10 a set plus a couple of laps between every set if she sits with me most of the time. After all when she is with me she is passing up other potential customers. One of my pet peeves is the a**holes who set around for an hour or two and never tip a dancer.

What is the best day and time to visit a topless club?

Understand that most clubs have two and sometimes three totally different personalities. Day shift, night shift and week-end shift. I will generally write my reviews from a minimum of one day visit and one night visit. If I write a review from a single visit, I will note it in the review. If you want a dancer to spend time with you, the best time to visit is Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday afternoons as these are the slowest days. The same applies to Monday through Wednesday nights. If you want to whoop-it-up and "party down" then Friday afternoons during the day or Friday and Saturday nights are the best. Unless you are willing to keep a dancer well fed, don't expect her to spend a lot of time with you during peak periods. If she is a good dancer (businesswoman) she will be actively working the room. I always (without qualification) get the the best mileage on M-T-W afternoons. The week end staff is all usually part timers trying to earn their way to a better shift. There is usually lots of mileage to be found on Sunday afternoons if your favorite club is open. I usually run across some nice FOB types on week-end days. Another little note: There is mileage to be found just before the end of the month when bills are due. If a dancer has not had a good month or been off a few days she may be looking to make up for lost time.

Why not just get single laps from various dancers?

My experience has been if you get single laps from individual dancers for the most part you will get average dances. If you want to try different dancers do it on different days. Try this system.

Enter the club and sit off stage. I always use the VIP section if they have one even if I have to pay extra to sit there. Watch the dancers off stage and also observe the dancers around the club.

Decide on the dancer you want to entertain you. When she goes on stage, tip her $5 to $10 which will get her attention. Most of the time I guarantee you she will be at your table when she finishes her set. If you want to make sure, ask her to drop by and see you after she finishes her set. Group your laps from two to four at a time. I find the second and third laps to always be the best from any dancer. The next time you go to the club pick another dancer and follow the same procedure. Continue until you have tried all the dancers and settled on the ones you like best. Then rotate among those until a new dancer comes along that you want to try. I think this system will provide you with the most enjoyment for your entertainment dollar. Good luck!!!!!

Do you date dancers?

Yes, but only those with a low "flake factor". You need to go into a relationship with a dancer with your eyes wide open. An unknown quote sums it up best. "If you date a dancer you are always going to get f**ked but you're not always going to get laid." Don’t expect her to fall in love and don’t fall in love yourself. Just enjoy the situation for what it is worth. Good hunting!

Do you always follow your own advise?

Remember, advice is free and that is exactly what it is worth! At one time or another I have broken every suggestion I have made in this column and suffered the consequences. What I wouldn't give for my knowledge and experience and my son's nineteen year old body. This FAQ section has been reviewed by several dancer and managment friends and all agreed it was "on target". Do with it as you will; I hope it works for you!

Will you answer Email?

Absolutely and positively maybe!!!! Seriously, I’ll do my best. Send your email to tbob@altavista.net.